Archive | April, 2012

it begins.

30 Apr

That feeling’s come again.

It consumes me.

The need for long, lazy, lethargic days of lounging about and laughing with friends.

The want of sunkissed shoulders, flowery dresses, and short hair.

The craving of ice cream, lemonade, and late night pizza.

The freedom to read and read and read and read and read all day long.

The ability to sleep in late, stay up all night, and write whenever I so please.

Summer, summer, summer.

I am ready for you.

 

“People say friends don’t destroy one another; what do they know about friends?”

28 Apr

Last week a friend expressed to me how I don’t really seem to open up around her. This is something I’ve noticed about myself quite a lot in the last couple years. Compared to how I was in high school, and middle school even, I never really seem to open up and express my inner workings with my friends. This has baffled me for a while as to why this is the case when it comes to me, but more recently, after putting a lot of thought into the problem, I think I’ve come up with the root of why I’ve been withdrawing so much of my emotion over the years and only being able to truly express my feelings through the internet/poetry.

It’s my friends.

No, okay, let me restate that. It’s not all of my friends, and I don’t want to go pointing any fingers. It’s just… I’ve noticed, lately, that most of the people I claim to be closest with are the ones I don’t open up to, and I know the reasons why. Today I had lunch with a friend who always goes on and on about things going on in her, but when I opened up about one thing that I’ve been holding onto she changed the subject back to herself within a minute. I have another friend who, quite literally, never asks me how my day is going, even though I always ask her about her day. One of my closest friends throughout my college life, whenever I try to engage her in talk, constantly changes the subject and acts like she doesn’t care. Another friend doesn’t seem interested in talking with me unless she’s in desperate need to talk to someone. And the list goes on.

Now, I love all these people and I’m glad I have them in my life, but I’m so confused. Why does it seem that I’m the only good listener that I know? How come my friends are allowed to continuously talk about themselves, but never inquire about me? Is that selfish to ask? Is it wrong to want someone to ask me how my day is going or about developments in my life? And when I do decide to share, why does everyone suddenly act as if they don’t care?

There’s a guy I like, who I’ve alluded to in the past on my wordpress, and the whole situation is complicated and I haven’t told many people about him. I’ve opened up three times to three of my closest friends. I went in hoping for advice, and all of them shut the conversation down right away. It had nothing to do with the guy or the goings on between us; they just changed the subject.

I think this is a big factor into why I have such a hard time opening up nowadays. I feel like people don’t care when I do. I find myself opening up to people to be this big, huge gesture, but whenever I do the person on the receiving end acts as if they couldn’t care less. And this hurts. This hurts a goddamn lot, and it’s why I’ve turned to writing up blog entries on my tumblr and wordpress, because there’s a much more likely chance of reaching out to someone who cares on there then anyone I talk to in person.

And obviously this it not directed at all of my friends. I can think of a good number of people who do give a shit about what I have to say, and I honestly don’t know why I don’t’ reach out to them more often. And maybe this is a sign that I should start sticking up for myself more often. Maybe make it more known to friends that it is important that one sided relationships don’t exist.

I just feel tired of being treated like a waste basket, with people constantly dumping their problems and worries on me. I would like to have human connections, repeatedly and as often as possible with everyone I know.

Is that too much to ask for?

random thought.

27 Apr

I wish there was a TV channel that constantly played reruns of Whose Line is it Anyway, Friends, Frasier, Arrested Development, Parks and Recreation, and Golden Girls. That would be the perfect television station.

ugh.

26 Apr

It feels like there’s a boulder tethered to my pumping heart
dragging it

down

down

 

 

down

into the pit of my stomach
all because of you.

My “Brave” Theory (I couldn’t BEAR to keep it in any longer)

25 Apr

I realize that over the course of the last four and a half months since I first started this wordpress I have gained the most followers when I am posting my poetry, the prose about boys, well worded reflections on certain subjects, and, well, my most articulate work.

Today is not one of those days.

This entry is dedicated to me geeking out about a theory I’ve got for the movie Brave.

Yes. The Pixar one.

I am, at this point, fairly certain this theory is accurate. So for you who hate spoilers (which I know that I do), please note that POSSIBLE SPOILERS MAY HAPPEN FROM HERE ON OUT. (Possible because I don’t actually know if I’m spoiling anything… but I very well could be… but I very well could not be… but I very well could be… but I – ugh! You see my dilemma?)

Anyway. Yes. Brave.

Continue reading

Fried

24 Apr

I’ll go.
I’ll go.
I’ll go.
I’ll go.
I’ll go.
I’ll go.
I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go,
I will go.
I have to go.
If I don’t then he’s gonna show
up here, at my door, whether I tell him yes or no.
He does not listen, no
matter how much I beg and crow.
He’ll just keep calling me until I come over. There’s no
winning against this schmoe.
He’ll make me feel guilty for trying to forgo
the inevitable. This is ridiculous, so
I will go…

…No.
You know
something? I don’t want to go.
I want to go
back to my sick tableau
of sleeping all day, eating soup, trying not to throw
up. That’s all I want, this one plateau,
but he does not care. He always has to be numero
uno,
even though
I know
he knows that I am sick. He does not care so
long as he gets what he wants. That’s all that matters to Mr. Apropos.

Him with the parents who treat him like he’s a prince for show.
Him who is adored and praised by every Mary Jane and John Doe
imaginable. Him who can lasso
and outsmart every teacher that we know.
Him with so
many grand ideas that constantly flow
from his mind. Him with a girl so
perfect she could set a stone cold heart aglow.
That clever little bastard who has it all in tow
when I have nothing to live for. I’m no
one’s beau.
I’m no
one’s hero.
I’m no
comparison in my father’s eyes when it comes between me and his dough.
Just me, alone, with my own sad story of woe
that no
one wants to know.
An invisible boy just trying to graduate before summer starts to show.
An invisible boy, invisible to all… Although,

there is one exception to this endearing low.
One clever little bastard, who’s been the only real friend I’ve ever come to know
and no
matter what I undergo
he has yet to outgrow
me. Says this is no
quid pro
quo.
Claims he’ll always know
me. Claims I’m his best friend on this entire planet, even though
he could have any best friend that he wants because he is so
loved by all. Instead, he chose me. Why, I’ll never know,
but he did. He who made me not invisible, he who helped me grow,
And for that I owe
him more than he will ever know.
He is my friend. He is my hero.

So…

I will go.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

The second slam poem in my set of Fictional Perspective pieces.

Need a hint whose POV this is from? Well, the first Perspective poem I wrote was from the POV of Kate Austen from LOST, and the poem is entitled “Ostentatious”. This poem is called “Fried”. So. Glean what you’d like.

Thankful for the Weekend

22 Apr

This weekend has been lovely. Beyond lovely. I don’t even know how to put it into works.

I had a pleasant chat with the nice girl at Starbucks who always asks me if I work for OSF. I babysat some kids and got to put some of the money I made into my tattoo savings stash. I watched AtlantisThe Lost Empire for the first time in close to ten years with Beth, Robin, and their dog. I got some really great feedback on the poem I posted yesterday. The roommates and I had a mature conversation about moving out in June and are now all on the same page. I was given free doughnuts, cookies, and pie all in the span of twelve hours. I’ve interacted with a lot of really sweet, really wonderful people. My boss’s daughter brought me (free!) coffee this morning. Nick’s mom is in town and is taking him, Kyle, Zach, and myself out to dinner tonight. I just found out I have no Technical Writing homework due tomorrow. And, to top it all off, the sun has been shining and Ashland weather has been absolutely gorgeous.

Oh yes. Life does not get much better than this.

This weekend has been a great reminder that crushes do not make or break a life, let alone a weekend (and that priorities need lie elsewhere at times). It has also been viable proof that the sun puts me in a much better mood. I felt all charismatic and enthusiastic yesterday, and that has certainly carried on over to today as well. While I’m bummed that tomorrow means another day of school, this weekend has done a great job re-energizing me. It’s given me hope that this year, maybe this one time, I will have a spring term that does not completely kill my soul. It’s given me the drive to go on for one more week, making me one week closer to summer. It’s given me back my days of tank top and sun dress wearing.

It’s given me a reason to smile.

Now let’s see how long I can hold onto this feeling of grandeur before the depression of school takes hold and I go back to complaining about the crush being quite unattainable and I start whining about how badly I want summer to be here.

Start of a new poem

22 Apr

This is what I have for a new slam poem I’m writing. It will, eventually, be the end of the poem (no clue what the beginning of it will entail just yet) and it does need to be revamped a bit. Anyway, enjoy what I have thus far!

——-

When it comes to the choice between living and staying still,
Always choose the prior.
Skip classes on occasion.
Stay up late laughing with the ones you love.
Dazzle the sky.
Enchant the night.
Get lost in a sea of possibility.
Beshrew the Heaven’s with your omnipresent will.
Your ever growing lust for life that cannot stay you still,
Because
You are young,
And you are free,
But this will not last,
So let me impress on you to take each opportunity.
Run before the creaks and groans of aging claim your mortal body
And dance while you still remember how to dance to just the simplest tune,
And hug
And joke
And thought provoke
And fall in love in June.
Kiss who you want for.
Befriend who you need for.
Do what makes your wild heart swoon,
And do not let them break you
Because they will try to shake you
And make you play their trepidatious game.
Just say “no”
And fly through fields of fancy where they will never find you.
Forever flying
Forever highing,
Forever trying to define this life that we will never understand.
We are the generation that will change the world,
So fuck their reprimand.

My review of The Hunger Games

22 Apr

Ah! I’m finally writing up this review! I definitely meant to do this all of this past week but I kept putting it off… Whoops!

Anyway, I saw The Hunger Games last Sunday and I absolutely loved it. As someone who has read The Hunger Games more than once (and finished the series), I thought it was a very faithful adaption and a very well made movie. There were so many wonderful things about it; however, I’m only going to write about my five favorite parts of the film. But first…

(And yes. There are spoilers)

THREE LEAST FAVORITE PARTS

1. Katniss in the Capitol. This film banked on how much Katniss dislikes and doesn’t fit into the Capitol, which was great. It’s very true, and they did a wonderful job portraying it… but I feel like it was taken a step further in the movie. Mainly… well, okay, when it came to the food. I would’ve loved a scene with Jennifer Lawrence cramming her face full of food and indulging in that lamb stew Katniss loves so much. It’s a definite part in the book and, I dunno, maybe I would’ve liked some happiness? But I understand the movie only had an umpteen amount of time to get everything about Katniss in whilst in the Capitol and they wanted to display how much she dislikes it, so, okay, I understand.

2.Peeta the Underdog. Let’s face facts, Peeta is the ultimate underdog. His love for Katniss and his personality make him liked by all readers, but he’s still got a lot against him in the books. However, in the first book he has such good rapport with Haymitch during the training. In the movie I felt like a bit of it was lost. I guess the filmmakers just wanted to keep Katniss at the center of attention, which is understandable.

3. Not enough Rue. This is the only one I’m still kind of peeved about. Rue’s storyline lasted about ten minutes in the film, and even then she wasn’t on screen very much. It felt too rushed. I did talk to a friend who saw the movie and never read the books, and she said she had no problem relating Katniss’s relationship with Rue to her relationship with Prim, which I suppose is good. It still peeves me though. Rue’s such an important part in the books. I just wish she could have had a couple more minutes of screen time. Just one more short scene is all I would’ve wanted.

Anyway.

Now here’s all that I ridiculously loved!

FIVE FAVORITE PARTS

1. Jennifer Lawrence. If you watch this movie and say “Nope, Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss makes no sense” then there’s something truly wrong with you. She was brilliant. Her range of emotion was perfect. She said so much without saying anything at all. She really tapped into the character of Katniss. I loved her relationship with Primrose and her mother. It spoke volumes, just by some of the actions Lawrence did. Yup. It’s official. I’ve definitely got a lady crush on her now. (Don’t worry, Emma Stone. No one will replace you in my heart.)

2. Peeta + Katniss. This was pretty spectacular. When Peeta ascends the stairs up to the platform when his name is chosen and his eyes first meet Katniss’s and, GAH! The girly girl in me was freaking out. Josh and Jennifer did a really nice job taking the relationship from the page to the screen. My only complaint? Not enough kissing. In the book, after a certain point in the games, all they do is kiss in order to get more sponsors. One kiss though? Come on, Gary Marshall, way to not play the fan service card.

3. Cinematography/Special Effects. There were many splendid film making choices that went into this film. The use of silence, especially in the beginning in District 12 while showing clips of what day-to-day life is for the people in The Seam. The part with the Tacker Jacker venom was trippy and exactly how I imagined when I read the book. I’m not normally a fan of the shaky camera effect in films, but for this one I thought it worked (for the most part). Especially when someone was fleeing being, y’know, killed.

4. Execution of Exposition. One problem books turned movies seem to have time and time again is translating all the exposition onto the screen. A lot of the time it comes out as really boring, bogged down dialogue between characters. This movie, however, did a great job weaving in the pieces that don’t necessarily get discussed in the scenes. Mixing in the interview with Seneca and Flickerman throughout the first quarter of the movie to explain the games, Seneca’s conversation with President Snow to express the fear of a rebellion (which really helps set up the next film), the dream Katniss has about her father, the flashback of Katniss and Peeta’s first interaction, and so on.

5. Binging the World to Life. Nearly everything was how I imagined it was in the books, and if it wasn’t how I imagined it I still went, “Woah, yeah, not what I pictured, but so much better!” The actors all perfectly suited their characters (especially Effie and Cinna), the layout of the Capitol, the beginning of the riot in District 11, and so on. The two parts that stunned me the most were District 12 and the technology behind the games. The technology was so much more advanced than how I pictured it in the books, but it was just… wow. Being able to bring burning tree branches down with a push of a button? Genetically creating the hounds via a computer? Astonishing. And District 12 was so much like how I imagined it in the book that I spent the first fifteen minutes of the film in tears. (The only three things that didn’t mesh for me? Haymitch (always imagined him more… robust), the hounds (weren’t they wolves in the book?), and the Cornucopia (y’know how it was big and metal? Well in the book I always imagined an actual Cornucopia. Like the one that’s the center piece for Thanksgiving meals. I realize how stupid that sounds in comparison, but still.))

And that’s what I thought about The Hunger Games! If you haven’t seen it yet, you really should.

s.o.s.

19 Apr

I shouldn’t like you.

Not this much.

Our locations aren’t exactly practical.

We hardly ever converse about anything of real, concrete value.

We go through long spouts of time where we barely even talk.

And when we do talk it’s always the same conversation topic.

(Muppet adoration is not a solid base for a relationship.

Neither is swapping tales of drunken times and making penis jokes.)

I’m not even sure how you feel about me or what your love life currently entails.

I should be thinking about the other one. The cute, close by, shy one.

But no. It’s you.

You, you, you, you, you.

Goddamn you.