finding hope in a shaken day.

7 May

Some people might’ve noticed a trend in my Facebook statuses and tweets today. Here are a couple examples of what they entailed:

–*-

I can’t reiterate how beautiful and wonderful life is, & I hope that a friend of mine realizes that today instead of doing something drastic

If anyone ever needs a shoulder to lean on or someone to talk to, please, never hesitate. I am a great listener and am always here for you

I am so goddamn relieved. Still shaken from the events of today, but very relieved

–*-

Today a friend of mine posted on his tumblr that he was going to end his life. He had posted his phone number a couple weeks ago, so I dug through his old entries to find it. I called him up, but there was no response, so I left him a message pleading not to do what he said he was going to do. I cried and was at a loss for words, consistently apologizing to him for not knowing what to say, but still hoping I was getting the point across to him. I’ve known for a while how unhappy he is, but sometimes we’re not truly aware until something like this happens, which is extremely unfortunate.

I spent the majority of my day keeping myself busy with homework (which didn’t really work) and staying in contact with another friend of mine. Neither she nor I have ever met our troubled friend, and I’ve never met her either, but they’re both a part of my Muppet family so they matter a great deal to me.

People committing suicide is a foreign concept to me. I’ve never known anyone to actually go through with it, and I’ve never really been confronted with a person who’s expressed great interest in taking their life. I’ve gleaned things from television, books, and movies, but those aren’t real life; this was. The only real experience I have with suicide is with… well, myself. Now I’ve never done any harm to myself, readers, and I’m obviously still here, so put your mind at ease, but there was a point in my life where the thought of suicide weighed heavily on me. I was very young and had lost my mother, something no thirteen year old should ever have to go through. I never voiced this to my father or my closest friends at the time, because I was afraid of how they’d react.

That was almost nine years ago. I’ve never had a single suicidal thought since that time, but the memory of how abhorrently depressed I was still lingers in the back of my mind. It’s a scary thing to remember. Nowadays I can’t even imagine wanting to end my life. It’s not a perfect life and I do spend quite a lot of time moping/being sad/whatever, but this is my life and I only get one shot.

I found out about an hour ago that my friend is okay. He’s gonna see someone to help him through this depression, and I’m relieved beyond relieved.

After I found out his status I went on a run. I wanted to give myself a chance to work off the stress of the day, clear my head, and move on from this event. On my run I contemplated a lot of things about my life. I’ve been doing that a lot this school year. Last September I rewatched the movie Ferris Bueller, and it’s really stuck with me. Today reinforced a lot of thoughts I’ve been having since I rewatched that film last September, and it just made me ask myself the same questions I’ve been asking myself for months. Why don’t I ever skip school to have fabulous days of adventure? Why do I care so much about what others think? Why don’t I just tell the boy I like that I like him? Why do I let myself get bogged down with things that don’t matter?

Life is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. It’s clichĂ©, but it’s true. We only get one, and we should live it how we want to live it. I want to be the friend people can come to when they’re depressed. I want to write and read and love and laugh and eat and be happy. I want to find joy in everything. I want to breathe. I want to feel my heart race, but only out of excitement, not like today when I was on the phone and I felt my heart banging in my ribcage because my friend wasn’t picking up.

Life can be extraordinary, but only when we let the things that don’t matter go and start living each day as if it’s something not to be taken lightly.

Only then can life be wonderful.

4 Responses to “finding hope in a shaken day.”

  1. aislynrose May 7, 2012 at 4:50 AM #

    I went through a similar thing in high school – a friend (who was like a brother) told a few of us his plan, and we tried to talk him out of it, but didn’t tell his family or authorities. I saw him in person to say goodbye, cry my eyes out, and make one last plea. Then I left. He didn’t go through with it, but our friendship never recovered. I’d resigned myself to losing him. It’s weird that I can’t remember what the logic was, why none of us sought help on his behalf, etc. But I remember the stress and I’m sorry you had to go through that. Thanks for sharing (about your own experiences, especially) – it’s good to sit with those and give them some light, instead of keeping it all stored up.

    • Elisabeth Anne May 7, 2012 at 2:23 PM #

      When I was in high school I stayed up all night on the phone with one of my friends who was threatening to shoot himself. In the morning I told my parents and they called his dad. His dad and his brother got involved and Casey didn’t speak to me for months. But then I ran into him at the coffee shop we all frequented and he hugged me and said that he was much better and that he had found his joy again.
      I think there is a moment for almost everyone where the question “Why am I here” is so unanswerable that a contemplation of and END to it all seems reasonable. I’ve been there more than once. But what keeps me here is the people who love me… and that next sunrise. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. It might be something wonderful.
      You just keep caring too much Julia. It’s a gift.

  2. elkaytee527 May 10, 2012 at 5:14 AM #

    the moment you said you couldnt share it with your family or friends put me right back in the experience for myself. nobody who hasnt felt that darkness close in will never understand what you mean by that. you write wonderfully and im glad you could be there for the person who couldnt go to their immediate friends and family. you probably saved a life.

    • puckrox May 10, 2012 at 4:43 PM #

      Yeah, looking back on that time in my life always hurts a bit. It was such a dark, sad time, and I felt so isolated from fear of sharing my depression with the people in my life. It’s a feeling I would never wish upon anyone. And thank you. I hope I did have some effect on my friend’s life. I’m just glad he’s still here.

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