Older Men in the Media :: A Twenty-Two Year Old’s Infatuation

19 Jul

I’ve been meaning to write this entry for a while now; for years, really. I’ve written about it in snippets from time to time, but I’ve never truly delved into the heart of the matter. You see, this is an entry about my infatuation with older men.

Wait, let me correct that statement:

Older male celebrities.

I feel it’s an important distinction to make. There are very few instances in my life where I’ve had crushes on older men that I’ve known personally, all of which were trivial infatuations throughout high school that never lasted long. Of course, I should also make myself clear that when I’m talking about older male celebrities I’m not talking about, y’know, guys in their late 20’s or early 30’s. Heavens no.

I’m talking about how I, a 22 year old girl, have many a crush on celebrities 40 years old… or older.

I’ve been dying to write this entry ever since I saw Seeking a Friend For the End of the World last month. I walked into that movie expecting to like it, which I did, but halfway through the film I started noticing how ridiculously attracted to Steve Carell I suddenly was. This immediately harkened back to when I had a crush on him when I was sixteen and saw Little Miss Sunshine. I think what hooked me first during Seeking a Friend was his arms (that man has been working out, I swear), but it escalated from there. I’m pretty sure the only reason I didn’t cry as much as I should have at the end of the film was because I was too busy drooling over him. When I got home I googled Steve Carell to find out he is, as of right now, 49 years old. This left me thinking about the cumulative of my crushes on older men in the media.

Steve Carell in argyle? My vagina approves!

I’ve always pined after older actors, even as a kid, not to mention ones that are a bit… random. I’ve never really fantasized about the Brad Pitts or Matthew McConaughey’s of the world. I mean, as an example, here are my list of July celebrity crushes:

  • Steve Carell
  • Jason Tam
  • Jonah Hill
  • James Cagney
  • Patton Oswalt

I guess the most normal crush of the group would be Jason Tam; a Broadway actor who’s only 8 years older than myself. Is that a bad thing that that’s enough for me to deem him a “suitably aged” actor to crush on?

Then there’s James Cagney who’s, y’know, dead now.

Jonah Hill’s only six years older than me, but then again, I’m the only person I know of who’s actually got a crush on Jonah Hill (don’t judge me, Zach). The funny thing is that this crush occurred while watching 21 Jump Street. What’s that? I watched a movie starring Channing Tatum and walked away with a crush on Jonah Hill? Yup. Only me.

Last night I watched Young Adult, which was what gave me that final push to write this entry, because it occurred to me that I’ve had a crush on Patton Oswalt since around 2008. Patton’s forty-three years old now, making him basically twice my age. Not only that, but how many people in this world have a crush on Patton Oswalt? I doubt many.

Yup. Both of them. I would.

I’ve always had crushes on older, more obscure actors. I mentioned it in the past, but in the second grade I had a major celebrity crush – my first celebrity crush ever, actually – on Nathan Lane. When he was 41 years old, and I was only seven. Then around the same time I had a crush on David Thomlinson, ie. the grumpy-as-fuck dad in Mary Poppins, who was 47 when they made that movie. Who the fuck crushes on the grumpy dad in Mary Poppins the 3rd grade? Me, that’s who.

Yeah. I don’t understand either.

Other obscure actors I had crushes on before I turned eleven years old are: David Hyde Pierce (Fraiser), John Lithgow (3rd Rock From the Sun), Alfonso Ribeiro (Fresh Prince of Bel Air), William Daniels (1776), Roscoe Orman (Sesame Street), Brad Garrett (Everybody Loves Raymond), and Salem (Sabrina the Teenage Witch).

Yeah. I had a crush on a cat puppet when I was nine. I don’t know what that says about me.

Maybe it was for our mutual adoration of food…?

For my birthday this year, my brother gave me a copy of John Lithgow’s autobiography, which led to me laughing loudly and yelling, “THIS IS THE BEST”. I don’t think he realized I reacted in such a way because of my random John Lithgow crush that still, to this day, exists. (Fact: this entry came dangerously close to being entitled “My Dirty Little Secret: I Would Fuck John Lithgow.”)

As I’m sure you’re all saying, “Yes, yes, Julia, we get it, you’ve had some weird crushes in your life”, let me shove even more evidence in your face. Here follows a list of every male celebrity 43+ years in age that I have: drooled over, crushed on, fantasized about, wanted to marry, and/or been the cause of the exclamation “I WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES.”

Hugh Jackman (43), Peter Dinklage (43), Sam Rockwell (43), Patton Oswalt (43), Mark Ruffalo (44), Peter Linz (45), Robert Downey Jr. (47), Rob Lowe (48), Stephen Colbert (48), Steve Carell (49), Ralph Fiennes (49), Greg Kinnear (49), Conan O’Brien (49), Jon Stewart (49), John Slattery (49), George Clooney (51), Stanley Tucci (51), Michael Cerveris (51), Colin Firth (51), Ricky Gervais (51), Steve Whitmire (52), Dylan Baker (52), David Hyde Pierce (53), Brian Stokes Mitchell (54), Christoph Waltz (55), Alan Ruck (56), Michael Emerson (57), Dan Aykroyd (60), Geoffrey Rush (61), Bill Murray (61), Bill Nighy (62), Tom Wilkinson (64), Richard Jenkins (65), John Lithgow (66), Donald Sutherland (77).

What a list.

Of course, many of these are still deemed highly appropriate to crush on. George Clooney. Rob Lowe. Ralph Fiennes. I mean, what human isn’t in love with Colin Firth? And ever since The Avengers it seems like everyone wants in Robert Downey Jr.’s pants…  but it’s impossible to deny that there are some strange crushes on my list.

This, however, should not be one of them. Look at that face. I would lick that face.

I could go in depth analyzing my infatuation of the older male (the first person who says I have an Elektra complex will get shanked), but, quite honestly, there’s just something… nice about men. There’s an air of sophistication and maturity to them. They have family values. They know who they are. They have mature tastes and interests. They’re like good wine, aged to a perfect year. I’ve dealt with my share of boys, and they always leave me feeling like shit, so maybe there’s some inner desire to grow the fuck up and settle down. What’s strange though is that, while I spend plenty of time fantasizing about all the men I’ve just listed, I have no desire to actually be involved with any older man at my current age. I just like looking at them is all.

Do I have normal celebrity crushes? Of course. Chris Evans, Aaron Paul, Josh Hutchinson, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, Jason Segel, Darren Criss, they’re all welcome to the party in my pants as well.

Conan, Colbert, and Stewart all have VIP access to my pants party though.

Is this a weird thing to write a blog entry about? Most definitely. But the likelihood of me actually meeting any of these men and getting in a situation where my pants party theory could actually happen is highly unlikely, so for now just let me dream. There’s a pants party and all the men mentioned above are welcome.

(Except you, Channing Tatum. Go the hell away.)

11 Responses to “Older Men in the Media :: A Twenty-Two Year Old’s Infatuation”

  1. MandiLou July 19, 2012 at 9:02 PM #

    Julia, I love you!
    I agree on many of your crushes.
    One that has always confused everyone was my immense love for Gene Kelly, I love that man with every fiber of my being.

    • puckrox July 19, 2012 at 9:04 PM #

      Oh man, I’m with you 100% on Gene Kelly. That man was both talented and dreamy.

  2. Martin R. Schneider July 19, 2012 at 11:03 PM #

    Honestly, there’s only one name in this entire entry to be slightly eyebrow-raising, and that’s Alfonso. Really, Julia? CARLTON?

    • puckrox July 19, 2012 at 11:31 PM #

      Something about the way that man dances. It does things to a girl. 😉

  3. Wanda July 20, 2012 at 1:14 AM #

    At least you have a clear type. You seem to go for guys with rounder faces and bulkier (as opposed to slender) builds. Also, ditto to Gene Kelly. GOD DAMN the man puts a smile in my pants… Also-also, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey did an interview where they talked about how you should let guys get all the messing up out of the way with girls who aren’t you; then date them when they’ve matured a little bit. Perhaps we just haven’t found the right dudes to tolerate our nerdery? I still can’t wait to be a guest at your and Jason Segel’s wedding. XD

    • puckrox July 20, 2012 at 1:20 AM #

      I do like guys with a bit of bulk, I’ve notice. I don’t necessarily like muscle, but some nice arms and a tiny bit of stout-ness makes me happy. I’ve never noticed that I like guys with round faces before though. Huh.

      Amy and Tina are wise. They know what they’re talking about.

      JASON SEGEL WEDDINGGGGG!

  4. alphiriel July 20, 2012 at 2:08 AM #

    I REFUSE TO BELIEVE ROB LOWE IS 48 NOW.

    Also, this entry makes me wish I could go back to seventh grade and laugh in your face when you made fun of me for having a crush on Johnny Depp and Jason Isaacs. 😛

    • puckrox July 20, 2012 at 2:17 AM #

      See, when I laughed at you about Jason Isaac and Johnny Depp, that was when I was going through my “I like more appropriate aged actors” stint, like Daniel Radcliffe and Elijah Wood. I totally had old man crushes back then, I just choose to keep it secret.

      Rob Lowe gets better and better every year. That man is far too beautiful.

  5. lonelytourist July 20, 2012 at 9:55 AM #

    Steve Carell is sooooo attractive. My crush on him started when I watched Dan in Real Life, but it kind of faded away after that. But after seeing Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World my crush on him came back again and omg he’s just so handsome. I agree with you on his arms, he’s definitely been working out. He should show his arms and legs more often, he has a great body. I’ve noticed that I always find myself attracted to him when he plays more dramatic roles (Little Miss Sunshine, Dan in Real Life, Crazy Stupid Love, Seeking a Friend). I don’t know why that is. I also think he looks really good in casual clothing. You always see him wearing suits, but casual clothing makes him look so much sexier. Especially that outfit he wore in the last scene of Seeking A Friend, he looked amazing. I just couldn’t stop drooling over him.

    • puckrox July 20, 2012 at 10:01 AM #

      YES. YOU. YES.

      I haven’t seen Dan in Real Life, but for me the same thing kind of happened with Little Miss Sunshine. That’s when it started, but then it gradually faded out. He’s very handsome in his new film. You can just tell he’s put in a lot of work on getting himself in shape, and it shows SO nicely. He was also doing something different with his hair, which I loved. I also agree with you about being attracted to him in dramatic roles. Not that I don’t love him on The Office or in Anchorman, but his comedic roles are always super wacky and crazy. (I totally forgot about Crazy Stupid Love. I remember watching that film and thinking how I’d totally have a crush on him if I were the babysitter too.) He does look really good in casual clothes. I like when he just wears plain t-shirts; they show off his build and his arms, and DAMN, he just looks good.

      I’m so glad there’s someone else out there who understands. :’-D

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. patton oswalt. « thegirlwholovesmuppets - July 25, 2012

    […] realize this is a rather pointless entry, as I wrote a much better, much more detailed entry that mentioned this infatuation already, but screw […]

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