I love me some comic relief characters.

28 Jul

I worked on my screenplay again today. There’s one character in it who I’m absolutely, ridiculously in love with because she is a horrible human being, which makes her so very perfect and wonderful. Here is every nickname she has uttered towards other people in the script thus far:

  • Spazz Face
  • New Face
  • Slut
  • Steve Carell
  • You son of a monkey whore
  • Asswipe
  • The 40 Year Old Virgin
  • Dildo
  • Grumpy Gus
  • Bitch-o-rama
  • SOB
  • Steve Wilkos
  • You silly fuck
  • Skank
  • Mega-douche
  • Douche-o-saurus
  • King of the douches
  • Mayor of douche-o-topia
  • Kumtwat
  • Fagasaurus
  • Señor Boyfriend
  • Paco
  • Twatwaffle
  • Bro
  • Judge Judy
  • Judge Joe Brown
  • Sexy Willie Nelson
  • Whoreface
  • Phoenix Wright
  • Barbie
  • Douchechomper
  • Beezy
  • You stupid fuck
  • A Story-Ninja
  • Donald Douche
  • Dingle Douche
  • Dick Facey

And, as an extra treat, here are my favorite quotes of hers:

“Sure you can. You’ve got a great bod. Your milkshake will bring all the boys to your yard. And by your yard I mean your vagina.”

“I don’t like sign language. It’s like people are keeping secrets from me.”

“You’re sassy like a Disney horse!”

“What bullshit. Canadians can’t be Jewish. Everybody knows that.”

“Get yourself a publisher. Or an agent. And meet JK Rowling! Oh my god, you could be the next JK Rowling! And then you and JK could gang up on Stephanie Meyer and punch her in the cunt!”

“I am the Seth Rogen of your life!”

Oh Delilah Kubrick. Please become a real person and be in my life always.

“If Rick Moranis was there I’d be very much impressed.”

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