feel free to skip this entry.

30 Jul

The title of this entry says it all. What you’re about to read is a rant of me whining and being sad and just, ugh, do yourselves a favor and skip this pathetic entry.

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I don’t remember the last time I felt this utterly alone. I’ve written many a time about feeling alone or “oh, pity me, I’m shrouded in eternal loneliness!” but this is different. In the past it always circulated around me being angst-felt over boys, but this time… This time I’m talking about sheer loneliness; the feeling that your existence in this world is goes completely unnoticed by just about everyone.

Since returning to Ashland I’ve had approximately four get togethers with friends (five if you count the time Ryan and I spent a day clearing out the remains of our old house). That’s been it. Previous summers have spoiled me, because there was always something going on and someplace to go, so the few days of summer where I did get time to myself it felt like such a treat. But now? Now I barely leave my house, let alone my room. I feel like I’ve turned into this recluse. Sure, I leave to go to work, to go out running, to run errands, and to go write at a coffee shop once a week, but that is about the extent of it. I forget how essential the need for human contact is for me. I have my friends from Tough Pigs, who I love dearly, but talking to a computer screen is not the same as going out and grabbing a drink with a friend. I know I should get off my butt and ask people to do things, but I did earlier this summer and they never got back to me, which is just fodder for the lowliness that is my self esteem. It keeps taunting me. It wont stop whispering in my ear.

“They don’t want to be around you.”

“Nobody does.”

“You’re going to be alone forever.”

The fact of the matter is, I’m depressed. I am clearly in a definite state of depression right now. It’s been a while since I’ve been this depressed. I had a couple funks throughout the last school year, but none of them really lasted that long. And I know this will pass, as it always does, but I’m also in the phase where it feels like this feeling is going to last for forever.

I miss seeing people. I miss Nick. I miss having a roommate that looked forward to interacting with me on a day-to-day basis. I miss having a group of friends to drink with on the weekends. I miss having someone to crush on. I miss daily conversations that weren’t text based. I miss having fun.

This will break, I know it will, and I’ll go back to my chipper, happy self. I just don’t know when.

I think I’m going to force myself to go out on a walk later today. Clear out my mind. Get some fresh air. Something along those lines.

2 Responses to “feel free to skip this entry.”

  1. Mathew Scheytt July 31, 2012 at 11:24 PM #

    You are my friend. You are special. You are my friend. You’re special to me. You are the only one like you. Like you, my friend, I like you.

    Alright, so I stole that from Mr. Rogers, but that doesn’t make it any less true. You’re awesome. One of the two coolest people I met this term. You’re so cool I’d hang out with you even if the circumstances surrounding hanging out were merely a ruse you employed so you could trick me into doing things you didn’t feel like doing yourself. Though it wouldn’t be my first choice. You are my friend, you’re special, and I like you.

    I know this is a day late, but I felt it needed to be said.

    • puckrox August 1, 2012 at 12:34 AM #

      Thanks Matthew. That means a lot.

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