missing kissing.

19 Aug

It’s been over a year since I’ve been kissed. Really kissed. I suppose I was kissed twice since then, but those were just inebriated signs of affection. A drunk kiss is meaningless in the light of day. I miss being kissed though. Sometimes I’ll be watching a scene in a movie where two characters are overcome with such ferocious desire that they have no choice but to succumb to their emotions or I’ll be walking down the street and see two people’s lips meet in a simple “hello” or “goodbye” or “I love you”, and I’m taken by this sudden sadness. It’s not that there’s no one out there who wants to kiss me, because I know that plenty of people exist who qualify under that category. No. I become sad because there’s no one I want to be kissing. I’m so used to there being a presence in my life to constantly throw all my affection at, and now that there is no one I’m left not knowing what to do. The last several month’s of my life has been spent fantasizing about movie stars and fictional characteres, which can only quell romantic urges for so long. But there’s no one I want here. On my summer bucket list I wrote “make out” and I now realize that’s not going to happen, because there isn’t a soul in the Rogue Valley I want to kiss. No guy here makes my heart go pitter-patter. There’s no one I’ll die if I can’t be with. Heck, there’s not even someone I’m remotely interested in kissing. I find I’d rather be kept up alone in my room than even thinking about going out and trying to meet a guy. It just seems like too much effort to go out and find someone I’m going to have to leave in a year, because I’m going to move up to Portland and down to LA, and no guy is going to get in my way of achieving my dreams. I don’t want to be tied down. I’m not ready for that commitment. So I guess I’m going to accept that this year is going to be a long, lonely road. I’ll have my writing, my studies, my books, and my shows to keep me occupied. I can do this. I don’t need to be in a relationship.

But I can’t help missing kissing.

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