Archive | September, 2012

tumbling thorugh life.

24 Sep

Today was the first day of the school year for me, and as I was sitting in my 8:30am Digital Media Foundations class one of the teacher’s said, “Okay, we’re going to have you all create tumblrs to post homework assignments on. Let me explain how to go about making yourself a tumblr…”

And while the entire class was listening diligently, I was having a silent spazz attack of ecstasy in my seat.


School is forcing me to use tumblr.

This would be the best day of my life, were I not feeling like shit right now. Seriously, body? Are you seriously just now getting sick? On the first day of school? Five days before the Color Run? When it’s still really nice outside? When you had all summer to feel this way? No. Goddammit, no. I know how much you hate tea, but I will force feed you so much tea until you feel better again.

I guess I got a lot of homework today, but most of it’s not due till next week. I do have a reading assignment due by Wednesday, but the bookstore was out of the textbook, so I need to wait and see if my teacher can loan me his copy of the text.

Okay, gonna go watch Downton Abbey and, I don’t know, try to do productive things during it? We shall see.

The Universe Acts in Mysterious Ways Sometimes

23 Sep

I went to breakfast this morning with my dad at the bed and breakfast he stayed at in Ashland… and… a cute Russian boy asked me to go see Romeo and Juliet with him this afternoon… and I said yes…


Okay, let’s get a couple things straight: 1) This is not a date. I’m paying for my own ticket. 2) I’m expecting nothing of this, since he’s from San Fransisco. 3) I know nothing about this guy, except he’s traveled all over and works with computers for a living. 4) This does not change the feelings I’ve been going through the last couple days, remembering the man I will always be in love with.

But all that aside, I cannot deny that this is a really nice way to end a (kind of crappy) summer. Seeing a Shakespeare play with a cute guy from a foreign country? Not bad, universe. Apology accepted.

(Side note: I keep meaning to write up a long entry about my time in Portland and at Cannon beach, but my dad’s been in Ashland with me these past few days and I’ve had absolutely no time to myself. School begins tomorrow, but tomorrow evening will be my first night free, so hopefully I’ll finally get around to writing it up.)

dramatic sigh.

22 Sep

I keep making this particular gesture: I place a fist on the left side of my chest, clench it, and then have it fly away, the fingers waggling as they trail behind the palm.

It represents the way you make me feel.

I forgot how in love with you I am, was, and always will be, even though you’ll never see me as anything more than some shy kid who sung your praises far too often on summer nights some odd years ago. I realize there are a thousand and one reasons why I will never be with you, and I suppose in the grand scheme of things it’s for the best, but still my heart dreams.

This is dumb, dumb, dumb.

A Confession.

21 Sep

Do you know what it is that you do to me? Do
you know what it feels like to observe you?
Do you know how hard it is to be in the same
room as you? Do you understand what it’s
like for me to want you? To want you to see
me? To want you to want me? To want you
to want me just like you want her?
Even in a room filled with a hundred other people –
at the least
– I can find you.
In the blink of an eye and a snap at the wrist
my eyes enshrine you.
My thoughts are drawn to you
like a smoker to cigarettes.
I am addicted,
and I can never get enough
and I will never get enough
and I won’t ever get enough
because I cannot bring myself
to stop this rush I
get when you’re around.
I do not dare.
It was only several years ago
you entered my world, only to ensnare
me with a simple “hello.”

You who found your way into
my life in a time when
I was so alone,
miles away from the only
place I had ever called
my home.
A green girl lost in summer.
I had no one.
I was completely on my own…
until there was you.
So nice, so funny, so wonderful, so you.
And while you are not
beautiful, or overtly handsome in the
common known way,
and though you do not stand out in a crowd,
I would pick you out
every time,
every day.

Which has come to make me realize that
I do not want a college boy.
Some dumb teen turned adult, looking
for any whatsoever chance
where I will show some sign of weakness
so he can get into my pants.
No. With them I’m through. I no
longer want those insubordinate, intolerable, over indulgent  boys,
only you.
A goddamn man.
We barely know each other,
but I have been in love with you for years.
And you will never know,
and not because of age and not because of her,
but because this is one thing words and explanation
will always fail and falter.
So I stay respectively silent, I remain painfully quiet,
I lose my voice, my tongue, my peace of mind,
and do not speak…
this time.


I wrote this slam poem a year ago and then promptly tucked it away, figuring it was just that fleeting feeling of nostalgia we all suffer from on rare occasion. It took me a year to realize that, for me, this will always be a little more than just a passing phase, which I fear is more tragic than I can ever possibly say out loud. I’ll forever hide this poem in the pocket of my heart, knowing it will never be said to the one who needs to hear it most.

visitng home.

13 Sep

I apologize for my pretty shit-tastic wordpress entries as of late. I’ve been lacking in the writing department as of late, haven’t I?

Anyway, I’m home in Portland right now. I’ve been pretty bummed because my dad and I were supposed to be staying at our beach house from Thursday (today) till Monday, and now we’re only going Friday to Sunday. I understand why we can’t go today, but it still doesn’t mean I can’t be bummed out about it. Then he kept telling me how I was wasting my day just watching television and doing else, despite my telling him that coming home drains the life out of me (which is why I try to make all my plans while I’m still in Ashland, where I’m more productive). He made me a delicious grilled cheese sandwich for dinner though, so I guess we’re good.

Mac should be picking me up in about five to ten minutes, and we’re either gonna go grab coffee or drinks. Not sure which one yet, but I’m hella excited to ride on the back of her electric bike!


12 Sep

i just want to run
where the taffy is sweet and the hum
of the ocean
beckons me with every sea gulls

is that too much to ask for?

summer’s end.

11 Sep

Two more week of freedom before returning to my last year of school. After that, summers will never be the same.

Better make the most of it.