officially Kiwi bound.

29 Jan

Things don’t often go right for me. Actually, no, scratch that, that’s an understatement. Things don’t ever go right for me. I’m used to the taste of rejection, sour on my tongue. Applying for wonderful internships with places such as Disney and The Daily Show, only to be turned down. Having awesome ideas for theatre pieces or performances, only to have them fall through. Putting myself forward in situations, only to be looked over for someone else. And don’t even get me started on relationships.

I’m used to it. Rejection. It follows me everywhere. It’s the reason I don’t put myself out there as often as I should. The reason I prefer quiet nights in on Saturday evenings spent in my room watching television instead of going out. It’s why I don’t speak up. It’s why I’m shy. It’s why I’m me.

So you have to understand when I say that I started sobbing the moment I found out my New Zealand visa was approved, there were a whole set of indescribable emotions behind my tears.

It’s dumb to think I wouldn’t have gotten it. Of course I was going to get it. I was always going to get it. I’m not a convict. I’ve never been kicked out of a country. I don’t have tuberculosis. I meet every single requirement needed to enter New Zealand, be it character, age, health, or place in the world. But as I sent in my application for a year long work visa in New Zealand just two days ago I told myself, “Well, okay, but there’s that chance.” That chance I wouldn’t get it. That my dreams would, yet again, betray me, leaving me to feel small and worthless and insignificant. After all, that’s what I’ve come to know.

So when I saw the word “APPROVED” underneath the word “DECISION” it felt surreal. It felt that, at last, I was getting a chance to live my life the way I’ve always wanted to. Through travel. Through adventure. Through wanderlust.

And now it’s final. I am going. I am going to live in a country I’ve never been to in my life, and I am going to live there for an entire year. I will have a friend with me for the first three or four months – and holy fuck, that is going to be so much goddamn fun – but then? Then I’m on my own. Then it’s just me and my body and my mind deep in the heart of New Zealand. There are so many endless possibilities lying in front of me right now. I’m finding it hard to breathe.

And I am so happy.
And so scared.
And so worried.
And so dazzled.
And so anxious.
And I cannot stop smiling.

For the first time ever, I think I feel whole.

2 Responses to “officially Kiwi bound.”

  1. alphiriel January 30, 2013 at 11:28 AM #

    I’m so excited for you! I’ve wanted to do something similar (but in Ireland) for a long time now, but I’ve never been able to work up the courage to break away from the life I’ve already established. I’m really glad that you’re going through with it and that everything seems to be working out for you. Though I am also a little bummed that this means we’ll be going a long stretch without any Nancy Drew. Guess we’ll just have to make up for it when you get back! 😀

    • puckrox January 30, 2013 at 1:19 PM #

      It’s really scary to think I’m going to be away for so long, but exciting at the same time. I’m going to miss everyone while I’m gone, but I’ll have skype, so while I’m there we should definitely chat over skype a couple times. It will be a pretty long stretch without Nancy Drew. I am going to be in Portland for a month after I graduate though, so we’ll definitely have to have a Nancy Drew party or two, and just hang out time in general, before I take off! 🙂

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