Archive | Relationships RSS feed for this section

Roger Waters is Gay.

18 Jun

First and foremost, this has absolutely nothing to do with the lead member of Pink Floyd. Sorry to disappoint, but I know nothing about that dude. (Plus I’m fairly certain he’s not gay.)

This entry has been something I’ve wanted to write about for a while now. I’ve never really had much motivation to start it, but sometimes something in your life happens and you are given that push you’ve been looking for. Suddenly you have to write a piece or you will just die inside; the words choking at the edges of your fingertips, aching to be written. That’s one of the things I love most about writing. You can go from zero to a hundred in a matter of seconds when it comes to motivation, simply because of a single image that you see or a single sentence that was spoken to you.

I called up my dad this morning, what with it being Father’s Day and all. I can’t remember the last father’s day I spent with my old man, so every year I see it as my civic duty to make up for my lack of presence in Portland by having a nice, lengthy chat with my him over the phone. We talked about the normal things: grades, moving into my new apartment, my brother taking him out for a Father’s Day dinner, my cat, OSF, my upcoming camping trip, etc. Then, somehow, we got onto a certain topic. I’m not really sure how it came about, seeing as my memory is incredibly short-term for things of this nature. I think it started when my father began talking about someone I went to elementary/middle school with wanting to host a class reunion. I went to the same Kindergarten through 8th grade school for nine years, where my entire class consisted of thirty students. Not thirty students per class in the grade, I’m talking thirty students in the entire class. Sure, a student or two would transfer out/in almost every year, but for the most part there were always thirty students there (I was part of the core twenty students who were there for all nine years). A reunion would be easy to accomplish, seeing as there are so few of us. Then, as my father and I talked about whether or not I might be in Portland for said reunion, if it were to happen, a name popped up. The name of the guy who I was insanely in love with from second grade until I graduated from eighth grade. We’re good friends with this guy’s family, so it didn’t strike me as odd that we were talking of him. Then my dad said gravely:

“I don’t know if you’ve heard the news…”

I, of course, instantly thought he was going to tell me that this guy’s dad died in a forest fire. Or his mom was bludgeoned to death by a toaster. Or his younger sister was trampled by a rhino. Or his even younger sister was killed in midst of a freak bungee jumping accident. I’m sorry, but when someone says “I don’t know if you’ve heard the news…” in a fucking grave voice, my brain instantly jumps to death. I should know better by now with my dad, seeing as he once called me while I was in a movie theater three times and then left me a voicemail saying “Hey, we need to talk…” in the most serious voice ever, and when I returned the call I learned that he only wanted to ask how I felt about being flown up to Portland to see a national touring production of Les Miserables. I had thought he was going to tell me our house had burned down. My father. The Michael Scott of my life through and through.

Anyway, I replied with the expected, “Um, I don’t think so. What news are you talking about?” and here is what my father then revealed to me:

“I don’t know if you’ve heard… it’s fairly recent news… I’ve only known a couple of months… but Roger Waters is gay.”

First of all, no. The great love of my youth is not really named Roger Waters. Just a pseudonym. A really awesome pseudonym. (Which I’ve now just learned is the name of the main member of Pink Floyd, which was probably tucked in the back of my subconscious when I choose this name, but fuck it, I’m sticking with it.)

Second of all, I freaked the fuck out.

I was flabbergasted; shocked out of my mind. Gay? The boy I spent a third of my life mooning over was gay? What followed was a repetition of the phrases “What?!” and “You’re joking me!”, while also throwing in a couple “Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay!” phrases, to let me dad know that I wasn’t trying to be judgmental of his orientation. My dad went on to explain a bit how the news had come out and it was still a new development, which I listened to… But… Roger Waters… gay? I’ve been in contact with him for a while now and I see him at least once a year. Had the signs been in front of me all along? Had they been in front of me as a child too? I’ve always known I have ridiculously poor gaydar, but man, I’ve known Roger Waters for fifteen years now. I just really did not see it coming. At all.

This photo makes me want to jump into a TARDIS and warn the younger version of myself of this news. It also makes me want to commend my brother for being consistently more adorable than I was throughout our childhood.

You’ve got to understand what I went through with this guy. No, Roger Waters and I were never involved, although sometime in high school he once said he had a crush on me in the fifth grade (which I now somewhat call into question). I spent seven years being unconditionally in love with this kid. I wrote poetry for him in the sixth grade; beautifully awful poetry – which I still have – while I should’ve been listening to Mrs. Robinson’s final period geography lesson. I wrote up diary entries in the fourth grade that generally were along the lines of “I wish Roger Waters would be my boyfriend” or “Roger hugged me today! I’m happy!” I even made him my boyfriend in some of the (awful) fanfictions I wrote in my youth, but only for the fandoms that had no male present that I wanted my OC to be with (here’s looking at you, Star Wars). There have been many a summer spent with this kid and many vacations gone on together with our families (spring breaks in Palm Beach or Bend, summers in Mexico or Seaside, you name it). The first time I ever danced with Roger Waters at one of our many school dances was in the sixth grade to Kelly Clarkson’s ‘A Moment Like This’, which you might think is weird that I can still recall after all these years, but that’s how momentous it was for me at the time. The first sex dream I ever had? Roger Waters and me. Of course, it was the most incorrect sex dream that’s ever taken place, as my fifth grade mind didn’t fully comprehend what else happens once two people were naked and in bed together. Then for months and months, in the sixth grade, I listened to the Les Miserables 10th anniversary edition of Lea Salonga’s ‘One My Own’ and sobbed, all because Roger Waters was dating Angelica  Putcelli (fake name as well) and not me. My little sixth grade heart could not take the idea of Roger Waters holding hands and sharing Baskin Robins ice cream with some other girl after school who was not me. And maybe, even after all these years, Roger Waters would still sporadically cross my mind and I would think to myself with a smile, “Wouldn’t it be the kicks if he and I ended up together someday? After all this time?” I hope you now don’t think I’m over exaggerating when I say that this guy, from age seven to age fourteen, was my world.

All of this equals out to why, after finding out from my dad, I went to Roger Water’s Facebook page and started yelled, “WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST TOLD ME WHEN I WAS TEN?” And of course he couldn’t have told me when I was ten, because he was also only ten. It’s not fair for me to jump to conclusions about his knowledge of his own orientation at the time of elementary/middle school, but it’s just… it’s just frustrating.

And up to this point you’ve probably thinking, “Chill the fuck out, Julia! You haven’t liked this guy for eight years. What’s wrong with him being gay?” There’s nothing wrong with him being gay and while I haven’t liked him in years… well… you see, lovely readers…

This is not a first time experience.

I have fallen for many a gay male, which was something I often joked about throughout high school, but you see, in the last year it has gone from a hilarious coincidence to something that is just plain fact: I am attracted to gay men. Not all gay men, mind you, and the attraction tends to end once I learn that they are gay, but it has happened far too many times for it to be just a comical coincidence. Maybe my mistake is unsuspectingly falling for guys who are involved with theatre because, as much of a stereotype as it may be, you can’t deny that there aren’t a lot of really attractive, funny, amazing gay men who do theatre. Not counting Roger Waters, in the past I have fallen for nine gay males, all of which are involved with theatre. Roger Waters is the first crush to ever turn out to be gay that is not actively involved in theater, so I guess that’s…. new?

Roger Waters was also the first guy I was ever in love with. Legitimately. A crush that lasts for seven whole years? Even to this day the longest crush I’ve ever had has been only a couple years. Let’s just say there were a lot of deep emotions when it came to my feelings for Roger Waters, or at least as deep as an eighth grader can get. Looking back on every crush and infatuation I’ve ever had, I really think only four crushes have been actual love, and Roger Waters was clearly the first one.

The thing about that though is, the third crush I ever fell in love with? Yeah. He came out to me a little over a year ago. When he did I made it very clear that I supported him and still wanted to be his friend, but the guy had taken me out on couple dates several months back when I had asked him out initially. As happy as I was for him finally coming out of the closet, it still felt a bit like a slap in the face to have been led on in the first place.

But let’s not stop there. Know what else? My first two celebrity crushes that I ever had when I was in the second/third grade? Nathan Lane and Lance Bass. How many eight year old girls do you know of that have crushes on Nathan Lane? None, that’s how many. I’ve had an abundance of other crushes over the years on gay celebrities, from David Hyde Pierce to Neil Patrick Harris, from Alan Cumming to B.D. Wong. The best crush I ever had on a gay celebrity was John Tartaglia, who I ran around sophomore year of high school telling everyone I was going to someday marry after I discovered Avenue Q, until Maddie Standish finally had enough and wrote on my Myspace wall, “You do know that he’s gay, right?” which incoherently broke my heart, because I guess I really thought I had a chance with him… which is dumb on very many levels. Also, John Tartaglia is a very obviously gay man. Oh silly, dumb, fifteen year old Julia. You make me cry laugh.

“Screw you all! You can keep Justin Timberlake and Jack Dawson!” eight year old Julia yelled from the tire swing set on the Holy Family playground. “I’m way too busy crushing on the middle-aged gay man who was in Mousehunt and makes for one sexy meerkat!”

Needless to say, I find it a bit unsettling that I’m initially so attracted to men that, in every way, are unattainable. I will repeat, I have nothing against gay men and I’m not saying that they’re using some form of gay magic to trick me into falling for them (although…), this is really something that makes me worried about, well, me. That I am so consistently falling for men who have no desire to be with me in the way I want to be with them. It’s happened so many times that it can’t be coincidence anymore.

So, that being said, let’s examine my relationship with the homosexual male.

Looking back on my life, I’m not exactly sure when the term “homosexuality” or “gay” entered my vocabulary. I’m pretty sure slash fanfiction was my introduction to gay culture, which is sort of a terrible way to be introduced (especially since the majority of slash I read in middle school was for Newsies and involved the guys having lots of really hot sex and… yeah, okay, that was really it). Actually, y’know, I think the episode of The Simpsons – I think there was a Santa Robot in it? –  where Homer has a gay friend might’ve introduced me to the idea of same sex relationships… which actually, y’know, isn’t the worst introduction ever. Think about it. Homer freaks out when he realizes his friend is gay, but in the end comes to terms with it and is totally fine with his friend’s orientation. For all I know, Simpsons could be the very reason I’ve never been homophobic. Thanks, Matt Groening, for making me a well rounded person! (I guess my parents, who are/were the most tolerant people I’ve ever known probably had a hand in it as well… but screw it. I’m just gonna chalk it up to Matt Groening.)

What I do know is that by the time I reached high school I thought gay men were the bee’s knees. This probably came from all my hours of watching Will and Grace after school, which then led me to believe that every gay man was exactly like Will or Jack. (I actually remember my brother going on a long spiel about how I was going to grow up and live with David Hyde Pierce, which resulted in him saying “He’ll be the Will to your Grace!” a lot.)  I became obsessed with the idea of having a gay best friend someday when I was in high school, and I talked about it nonstop. Needless to say, I was a strange teenager, and when I grasped an idea I would not shut up about it, so if you knew me in high school chances are my perception of gay males was a bit… terrifying.

I mellowed out in college and, while I never did gain a gay best friend (unless there’s something you’re not telling me, Nick!), I have gained plenty of gay friends. I do not, as I would have in high school, obsess over their orientation and drag them to go shopping with me, because I understand now that they are people and I cannot mold them to fit an idea, or, rather, a stereotype. Not every gay man is a Will, and not every gay man is a Jack. I even know some gay men that I find positively unpleasant, which probably would’ve blown fourteen year old me’s mind. I also learned that one of my cousin’s was gay about two years ago, which then resulted in me being grumpy as all get out with my family for leaving me to figure it out on my own. I am, as always, the last person who knows anything in the Allegretto family.

That being said, why is it whenever a guy in a TV show is introduced as gay he becomes my favorite character? Why do I always go on about wanting a gay son someday? And why am I so attracted to gay men?

Firstly, I think the reason gay characters in TV shows tend to be my favorites are because of how they’re written. Or at least how they were written in the shows I watched throughout high school. They’re usually sassy, funny, and have interesting plot lines, and more often then not they’re made into the comedic relief of the show, which I tend to have a soft spot for. Before I had ever met, or been aware that I’d met, a gay male back in high school, I tended to think that every gay guy in life was like Marc from Ugly Betty, Jack Harkness from Doctor Who, or, again, Will or Jack.

As for wanting a gay son, well, I’ve also planned out wanting to have twin boys, a geeky daughter, and an adopted daughter. It’s more just me wanting to have a diverse, large, happy family.

And why am I so attracted to gay men? Well, I do have a type of guy that I like. I like guys that: can make me laugh, can hold intelligent conversations, are clean, have a great personality, and are more talented than myself. Every guy I’ve liked in the past, I don’t know, ten years or so has fallen into all of those categories. All other things I like in a guy (can sing, arm muscles, geeky, etc.) are perks, but not exactly something I’m specifically looking for.

I’d like to think the reason I keep falling for gay men is because of these qualifications and not because I’m subconsciously terrified of commitment, which I don’t think I am. All the gay males I’ve fallen for generally fit into these categories of what I look for in a guy (except one, who is the messiest motherfucker I’ve ever met). They just simply happen to be, in my mind, the makings for the perfect boyfriend, which sucks for me, but at least they’re going to make some other guys really happy someday.

And I just shouldn’t be angry at Roger Waters. I’m sure he spent a lot of times debating his sexuality, and it’s not like I didn’t struggle with my own throughout the second half of high school, only to get to college to realize I’m very much into guys. But those two years of high school were scary. I remember being terrified as to how people would react if they found out. Nowadays Emma Stone is the only Lady Love for me… well, drunk me would probably disagree, seeing as she tends to have a thing for making out with girls at parties.

Nothing says “good theatre” like watching two girls mack on stage.

The thing is, while I’ve fallen for many a gay male and had my dreams dashed many a time, I don’t regret any of it. Lots of great friendships have come out of these crushes. I’m good friends with over half of the gay guys I’ve liked in the past, and consider many of them very important figures in my life. The friend that came out to me a year ago, the one who I was in love with, is now one of my closest friends in the world. I’m really happy and content with how my relationships turned out with all of them, in the end, even if I was pretty miserable at the start.

And you know what? Roger Waters most likely did not know he was gay in elementary school, or even in middle school. Or maybe he did. We went to a Catholic school, where coming out probably was never an option for anyone that’s ever attended that school. But even so, holding any angry feelings towards Roger Waters is just not fair to him. And maybe being in love with Roger Waters for seven years of my life wasn’t a waste of time. Maybe just the expression of the love I had for him helped me grow as a person; helped me understand heartbreak, as well as understand what it’s like to love with your whole heart. Maybe that feeling of flying as I got to stand on the spokes of his bike and put my arms around his shoulders, which was the happiest moment of my life for the longest time, was a gift that I still cherish to this day. And maybe if thirteen year old me were present she’d want to slap the shit out of Roger Waters, but luckily twenty-one year old me (going on twenty-two in 2.5 weeks) is a little more mature than that. I’d very much like Roger Waters to be happy, for him to find love, and for him to be able to feel comfortable coming out to everyone that he knows. We shouldn’t have to live in a day and age where people still fear the repercussions of expressing who they do and do not love. Love is love. It’s the twenty-first century. We should know this by now.

So good luck, Roger Waters. You deserve every ounce of happiness in the world, and I sincerely hope you find it.

Now let’s just hope Breaking Bad‘s Aaron Paul isn’t gay and would like to marry me.

Advertisements

Relationships

12 Jan

Last night I started up the book Looking for Alaska – which is absolutely fabulous, by the way – and I finally decided to put it down when it was about 2:30am, and only because I had classes to wake up to. Well, lying in bed that night, I suddenly found myself tossing and turning. I was restless beyond all belief. Sleep was just not there, and I think I know why. In the span of four hours yesterday I found out: A) the guy who I was seeing last spring is now officially in a relationship, and B) Jason Segel went on a date with some fan girl yesterday.

Okay, so the Jason Segel part is kind of stupid/immature, but whatever, I’m gonna be jealous if I wanna be. As for point A, well, I’m not jealous, not really, but last night as I was trying to sleep I was suddenly haunted by all the good times we had together. That’s the worst, remembering the good. Suddenly the three months of me crying, letting myself go, and loathing myself after we stopped seeing each other seems like nothing when remembering the blissful moments we shared. This isn’t me stating that there’s still something there for me, because there’s not. That ship sailed a long time ago. It just… would be nice to have that again with someone, y’know? (And, okay, maybe I’m a little hurt that he’s embarking in a relationship with a girl whereas he wanted no such thing with me. Boo.)

And yes, I am quite aware that this certain boy could very well be reading this, as it is public and pretty much everyone knows who code word “boy” is. If that’s the case, this has got nothing to do with you, this is really more me analyzing my relationship with, well, relationships.

I’ve just been so anti-relationship since all of this went down. That was eight months ago. I guess I just got tired of getting my heart stepped on. Oh sure, in those eight months I’ve had a crush or two here and there, but nothing serious. All that being said, there’s still a chunk of me that just so wants a relationship. A successful one. I have partaken in three relationships so far in college: one boyfriend, one drunken make out cohort, and whatever me and the guy were. With the exception of the majority of time the boyfriend and I were together, none of them have been positive relationships. All of them have left me feeling drained, unwanted, and unworthy, and I guess I finally just got tired of that, which is tough because I suddenly seem to have attracted a whole mass of guys who are interested (…over the internet…which…I don’t even know…it’s another entry for another day). Not to mention all the boys I’ve chased and all the boys who’ve chased me and none of it leading anywhere and too many feelings getting hurt and – gah. When I was in high school this was not how I pictured my relationships in college.

As I tossed and turned last night, all I could really think of was that I’d just like someone to hold me while I sleep. Is that too much to ask? I really think that’s what I miss most of all. Just the feel of a pair of arms around me as I doze in and out of dreams, steadying me and keeping me safe. Sure, I’d love all the other positive things that come with relationships, but being held stands out the most to me (but maybe that’s because I was having trouble sleeping at the time…).

So yeah. I’m lonely, boys are dumb, and Looking for Alaska is fantastic so far.

(Side note: For the most part I wrote this entry up last night, and I just went through and edited it to make it past tense. What I failed to mention was that a certain guy who I’ve had a slight crush on for a while now talked to me recently and, oh goodness, and I have not been that giddy over a boy talking to me in months. It was just innocent conversation, but still. It’s nice to know I’m not totally dead on the inside when it comes to relationships. There is still that spark, it just needs some help being refueled.)