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Write to Me with Sentimental Effusion: A Rant about John and Abigail Adams.

14 Nov

I just realized something yesterday.

My abundant love of John and Abigail Adams, and the whole era of the Revolutionary War, has been with me for twelve years now. That’s over half my life time. That’s fucking incredible.

I can remember being a fifth grader, trying to convince my friends to watch 1776 with me, doing an extra credit report on John and Abigail’s family (not because I had to, because I wanted to), being disappointed that everyone recognized William Daniels as Mr. Feeney instead of John Adams, and getting into a fight with one of my best friends about who accomplished more for America, Jefferson or Adams. Since I was ten, I’ve certainly grown in my adoration. I’ve read books about John and Abigail, along with many of their letters. I’ve named characters in stories after them, and I’m working on a modern day adaption of their own story. I have a motherfucking playlist on my iPod dedicated to their relationship that I listen to fairly frequently. I’ve watched documentaries, the HBO miniseries, and, as always, the musical. Needless to say, I’m crazy about these two.

I’ve tried diligently to explain over the years why their love stands out amongst millions, but it’s rare that a friend truly listens to me on the subject. It makes me sad that people don’t understand that theirs was, truly, one of the greatest love stories of all time.

Here’s an excerpt from one of Abigail’s letters to John that seems to be most well known:

“…should I draw you the picture of my heart it would be what I hope you would still love though it contained nothing new. The early possession you obtained there, and the absolute power you have obtained over it, leaves not the smallest space unoccupied. I look back to the early days of our acquaintance and friendship as to the days of love and innocence, and, with an indescribable pleasure, I have seen near a score of years roll over our heads with an affection heightened and improved by time, nor have the dreary years of absence in the smallest degree effaced from my mind the image of the dear untitled man to whom I gave my heart.”

How is that not the most goddamn romantic thing you’ve ever heard?

Every person, in the world, should strive to find a love that is as strong, brave, and true as the love Abigail and John had for each other. They were separated for five whole years while John was in Europe – no telephones or IM or skype, like we have nowadays; five whole years of never seeing the others face or hearing their love’s voice – and yet their love persisted. Hell, they spent more time apart than together throughout the duration of their marriage, but still, just by reading the letters they wrote back and forth, it’s obvious how deeply they cared for one another and how immense their love was. Not only that, but they respected one another as intellectual equals. John often called her “my Portia” or “my Diana”, but as always, they consistently called each other “My Dearest Friend.” They never engaged in extramarital affairs and, once they were together, only ever had eyes for each other. If only people could find what Abigail and John had.

True, undeniable, total, genuine love.

“Is there no way for two friendly souls to converse together, although the bodies are 400 miles off. Yes, by letter. But I want a better communication. I want to hear you think, or to see your thoughts. The conclusion of your letter makes my heart throb more than a cannonade would. You bid me burn your letters. But I must forget you first.” – John Adams to Abigail

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like crazy.

25 Oct

I just watched the film Like Crazy; a film I’ve been dying to see ever since I witnessed the trailer almost a year ago. I knew going into this film it’d be a sad one, and I see now that I was correct in thinking so.

On the one hand, it’s got me bummed because the plot revolved around a long distance relationship. My ex and I were separated for only a summer when we were together, but even in just those three months I allowed the relationship to crumble and crack. So seeing this film depict the struggles of a long distance relationship… Oof. Like a punch in the gut.

On the other hand, this movie has enforced what I already know – that I’m ready to be back in a relationship. A part of me doesn’t want to make the effort, since I know I’ll be out of Ashland in eight months. Also, I seem to have forgotten how to do this whole thing. Dating. Asking guys out. Flirting. That whole spiel. I’ve just drawn so much into myself that the idea of me approaching a guy seems… unimaginable. It doesn’t help that there isn’t anyone in my life I’d like to be with either. At this point though, I wouldn’t mind a short lived relationship. A “fling,” as it were. If I could just have someone, for the remainder of the school year, to hold my hand during the day and hold me in his arms at night, that would be perfectly lovely. It’s just been so long since I’ve felt that crazy amount of energy and passion when you meet eyes or your fingertips touch. I miss romance. I miss passion. I miss putting my heart out on the line, but it’s been broken so many times that I’m scared to put it out there again. There’s so much I want though.

I just wish someone would see me.

last night revelation.

20 Oct

Last night I was walking home from work; hands shoved deep inside my coat pockets and head bowed low. As I walked, drenched in rain drops and soaked in frigid night air, I began to review all the kisses I’ve ever had. I do this sometimes, when my mind lacks substance to think upon. I thought about every single kiss.

The drunk kisses. The stage kisses. The screen kisses. The friend kisses. The real kisses.

Then, at the end of the list of lips I’ve ever encountered, I came to yours. Your kiss. As I thought long and hard about all the shit I went through when it came to me and you, I began to think how your kiss was the one that changed everything. How yours was the first kiss that made me believe that there is more to life. How your kiss was the first that ever made me see fireworks. How your kiss was the first that ever left me wanting something more.

How could I still be mad at the boy who made me a believer?

And that’s when I stopped dead in my tracks. I stood there in the middle of the sidewalk, allowing the rain to pelt my shoulders and hair, not even wondering if the cars passing by were curious as to why I was frozen in place. I did not wonder because my mind was preoccupied. I was in awe. I was in shock. Yes, my mind was reeling because I had come upon a sudden realization:

I am ready to forgive.

Maybe it’s because I saw you today. Maybe it’s because it’s been a year and five months since it all crumbled into nothing. Maybe it’s because I finally feel ready to be in a relationship again. Maybe it’s because I thought the Mountain Goats song blaring on my iPod was a sign that it was time.

So there it is.

It is time to forgive.

It is time to move on.

dramatic sigh.

22 Sep

I keep making this particular gesture: I place a fist on the left side of my chest, clench it, and then have it fly away, the fingers waggling as they trail behind the palm.

It represents the way you make me feel.

I forgot how in love with you I am, was, and always will be, even though you’ll never see me as anything more than some shy kid who sung your praises far too often on summer nights some odd years ago. I realize there are a thousand and one reasons why I will never be with you, and I suppose in the grand scheme of things it’s for the best, but still my heart dreams.

This is dumb, dumb, dumb.

Lady Crushes: I Have Them

30 Aug

I love Jenna Marbles. I don’t watch her on a regular basis and I certainly haven’t seen all of her videos, but what I have seen I absolutely love. Recently I watched her video entitled “Girl Crushes” where she spoke on how every girl has a girl crush on another lady. Girl crushes are pretty much when a girl feels an encompassing amount of emotion for another girl. Girls generally adore said other girl and possibly want to be them as well.

I certainly have an abundance of girl crushes. While there are many women I look up to in the media (Tina Fey, Meryl Streep, Patricia Clarkson, Viola Davis, to name a few) most of them don’t necessarily fall under the category of “girl crush”. They’re more under the “be my mentor” or “I hope I grow up to be like you” or “adopt me ASAP” categories.

Anyway, here are my top five girl crushes.

5. Emma Watson

It’s funny how, while I was a fan of Emma during the filming of the Harry Potter series, my love for her didn’t really start until after the Potter movies were wrapped up. First off, she went and got that sassy haircut, and recently she’s taken on a ton of interviews which have shown off the type of person she’s grown up to be nicely. She’s intelligent, funny, whimsical, and true to herself. She’s spoken in the past about what it means to be a woman, her sense of style, and her general outlook on life. In short, I just think she’s a wonderful human. Not to mention she’s playing Sam in Perks of Being a Wallflower, which puts a smile on my face.

4. Anne Hathaway

Who doesn’t love Anne Hathaway? This lady is elegant, posed, graceful, and beyond beautiful, while still managing to be witty, funny, intelligent, silly, and humble. Basically, she’s everything a woman should be. She’s shown her acting range in full over the years, from Princess Mia to Catwoman, Devil Wears Prada to Rachel at the Wedding. Not to mention Anne motherfucking Hathaway is an excellent human being. She won the Human Rights Award back in 2008, and in a recent interview when an interviewer chose to question Ms. Hathaway about her workout regiment instead of her work as an actress (as interviewers unfortunately choose to do with actresses nowadays) she smoothly deflected it like the ninja that she is. Plus she’s going to be playing Fantine in Les Miserables this December, which I can only assume is going to be amazing to watch.

3. Mae Whitman

I’m not really sure when Mae Whitman came on my radar. I think it may have been when she first started up on Parethood, and suddenly I was finding her everywhere. Mae’s a hilarious human, which can be seen in the majority of roles she’s played over the years (especially as Ann in Arrested Development). She too is going to be in the upcoming Perks of Being a Wallflower film, which sets me all a flutter. She’s also a great singer, which I didn’t know until her character shared her musical abilities on Parenthood. I have high hopes for this girl’s future acting career, namely so I can go see everything she’s in and crush even more on her.

2. Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence and I have a very defining quality that ties us closely together: we both love food. It seems whenever this lovely lady gets interviewed she goes on and on about her love of food, which I understand all too well. Top that with not being afraid of making some really silly faces – not to mention a kick ass sense of humor – and bam. Lady crush. I actually haven’t seen too many of her films, but I hope that changes in the future.

1. Emma Stone

Not gonna lie, I am ridiculously in love with Emma Stone. She’s the only girl on my list of actual celebrity crushes I’d love to date. If she kicked down my front door right now, told me she left Andrew Garfield, and wanted to run away with me, I would do just that in a heart beat. I’d seen Emma in a lot of things in the past, but she didn’t really catch my eye until Easy A, and it’s been uphill from there. This girl is quirky, gorgeous, and hilarious. Not to mention she seems so confident and comfortable in her own skin. Of course, I’m sure she has absolutely no intention of leaving her Garfield anytime soon, but in my heart of hearts she will always be my one true Lady Love.

missing kissing.

19 Aug

It’s been over a year since I’ve been kissed. Really kissed. I suppose I was kissed twice since then, but those were just inebriated signs of affection. A drunk kiss is meaningless in the light of day. I miss being kissed though. Sometimes I’ll be watching a scene in a movie where two characters are overcome with such ferocious desire that they have no choice but to succumb to their emotions or I’ll be walking down the street and see two people’s lips meet in a simple “hello” or “goodbye” or “I love you”, and I’m taken by this sudden sadness. It’s not that there’s no one out there who wants to kiss me, because I know that plenty of people exist who qualify under that category. No. I become sad because there’s no one I want to be kissing. I’m so used to there being a presence in my life to constantly throw all my affection at, and now that there is no one I’m left not knowing what to do. The last several month’s of my life has been spent fantasizing about movie stars and fictional characteres, which can only quell romantic urges for so long. But there’s no one I want here. On my summer bucket list I wrote “make out” and I now realize that’s not going to happen, because there isn’t a soul in the Rogue Valley I want to kiss. No guy here makes my heart go pitter-patter. There’s no one I’ll die if I can’t be with. Heck, there’s not even someone I’m remotely interested in kissing. I find I’d rather be kept up alone in my room than even thinking about going out and trying to meet a guy. It just seems like too much effort to go out and find someone I’m going to have to leave in a year, because I’m going to move up to Portland and down to LA, and no guy is going to get in my way of achieving my dreams. I don’t want to be tied down. I’m not ready for that commitment. So I guess I’m going to accept that this year is going to be a long, lonely road. I’ll have my writing, my studies, my books, and my shows to keep me occupied. I can do this. I don’t need to be in a relationship.

But I can’t help missing kissing.

a dream is a wish your heart makes.

9 Aug

Last night I dreamt I was ridiculously in love with Jon Stewart which, okay, sounds pretty much like every day of my life, but there was so much more to it than that.

The first half of the dream I was just a fan of his, and along with a bunch of other fans we were trying to get fan mail to him. I slightly remember ending up in the same car (or train car) as him for some reason (there is the distinct possibility I was a creeper and stalked him), but I don’t really remember the purpose of that plot point at all.

Then the dream gets fuzzy, and I don’t really remember what happened in the middle of it. Suddenly I’m attending Jon Stewart’s wedding to Beyonce (I don’t even know where that came from). I guess at this point him and I had become good friends, since he had invited me, and everyone at the wedding was trying to cheer me up because they knew how I felt about him. The wedding was taking place in this fancy, schmancy, ritzy hotel, and we were all waiting in the ginormous reserved ballroom for it to start. Eventually word got to us that the wedding was canceled. Without even hesitating I grabbed a crowded elevator up to their hotel room. For some reason their room was already super crowded, almost as if there was a whole other party going on. The two of them were chummy and it was obvious the cancellation was mutual and there were no harsh feelings, though Jon seemed a little down since, as he told me, “I’m not getting any younger.” I then sat down next to him, held his hand, kissed his cheek, and told him I was sorry about how the wedding turned out. He looked really surprised and admitted that I was being more tender than he’s ever seen, since he was used to seeing me be “one of the guys”. The dream ended with us still holding hands and the implication that there was something there.

I wish I had romantic dreams more often. True, whenever I wake up after them I’m usually sad, and then I attempt to go back to sleep to continue the dream, though it never works, but I also spend the rest of the day in a great mood. I guess last night’s dream only started to veer towards slightly romantic towards the end, but that’s enough to put me in a wonderful mood.

Still have no clue what Beyonce was doing in my dream though.