Tag Archives: alone

like crazy.

25 Oct

I just watched the film Like Crazy; a film I’ve been dying to see ever since I witnessed the trailer almost a year ago. I knew going into this film it’d be a sad one, and I see now that I was correct in thinking so.

On the one hand, it’s got me bummed because the plot revolved around a long distance relationship. My ex and I were separated for only a summer when we were together, but even in just those three months I allowed the relationship to crumble and crack. So seeing this film depict the struggles of a long distance relationship… Oof. Like a punch in the gut.

On the other hand, this movie has enforced what I already know – that I’m ready to be back in a relationship. A part of me doesn’t want to make the effort, since I know I’ll be out of Ashland in eight months. Also, I seem to have forgotten how to do this whole thing. Dating. Asking guys out. Flirting. That whole spiel. I’ve just drawn so much into myself that the idea of me approaching a guy seems… unimaginable. It doesn’t help that there isn’t anyone in my life I’d like to be with either. At this point though, I wouldn’t mind a short lived relationship. A “fling,” as it were. If I could just have someone, for the remainder of the school year, to hold my hand during the day and hold me in his arms at night, that would be perfectly lovely. It’s just been so long since I’ve felt that crazy amount of energy and passion when you meet eyes or your fingertips touch. I miss romance. I miss passion. I miss putting my heart out on the line, but it’s been broken so many times that I’m scared to put it out there again. There’s so much I want though.

I just wish someone would see me.

A Confession.

21 Sep

Do you know what it is that you do to me? Do
you know what it feels like to observe you?
Do you know how hard it is to be in the same
room as you? Do you understand what it’s
like for me to want you? To want you to see
me? To want you to want me? To want you
to want me just like you want her?
Jesus.
Even in a room filled with a hundred other people –
at the least
– I can find you.
In the blink of an eye and a snap at the wrist
my eyes enshrine you.
My thoughts are drawn to you
like a smoker to cigarettes.
I am addicted,
and I can never get enough
and I will never get enough
and I won’t ever get enough
because I cannot bring myself
to stop this rush I
get when you’re around.
I do not dare.
It was only several years ago
you entered my world, only to ensnare
me with a simple “hello.”

You who found your way into
my life in a time when
I was so alone,
miles away from the only
place I had ever called
my home.
A green girl lost in summer.
I had no one.
I was completely on my own…
until there was you.
You.
So nice, so funny, so wonderful, so you.
And while you are not
beautiful, or overtly handsome in the
common known way,
and though you do not stand out in a crowd,
I would pick you out
every time,
every day.

Which has come to make me realize that
I do not want a college boy.
Some dumb teen turned adult, looking
for any whatsoever chance
where I will show some sign of weakness
so he can get into my pants.
No. With them I’m through. I no
longer want those insubordinate, intolerable, over indulgent  boys,
only you.
A goddamn man.
We barely know each other,
but I have been in love with you for years.
And you will never know,
and not because of age and not because of her,
but because this is one thing words and explanation
will always fail and falter.
So I stay respectively silent, I remain painfully quiet,
I lose my voice, my tongue, my peace of mind,
and do not speak…
this time.

————–*/*————–

I wrote this slam poem a year ago and then promptly tucked it away, figuring it was just that fleeting feeling of nostalgia we all suffer from on rare occasion. It took me a year to realize that, for me, this will always be a little more than just a passing phase, which I fear is more tragic than I can ever possibly say out loud. I’ll forever hide this poem in the pocket of my heart, knowing it will never be said to the one who needs to hear it most.

missing kissing.

19 Aug

It’s been over a year since I’ve been kissed. Really kissed. I suppose I was kissed twice since then, but those were just inebriated signs of affection. A drunk kiss is meaningless in the light of day. I miss being kissed though. Sometimes I’ll be watching a scene in a movie where two characters are overcome with such ferocious desire that they have no choice but to succumb to their emotions or I’ll be walking down the street and see two people’s lips meet in a simple “hello” or “goodbye” or “I love you”, and I’m taken by this sudden sadness. It’s not that there’s no one out there who wants to kiss me, because I know that plenty of people exist who qualify under that category. No. I become sad because there’s no one I want to be kissing. I’m so used to there being a presence in my life to constantly throw all my affection at, and now that there is no one I’m left not knowing what to do. The last several month’s of my life has been spent fantasizing about movie stars and fictional characteres, which can only quell romantic urges for so long. But there’s no one I want here. On my summer bucket list I wrote “make out” and I now realize that’s not going to happen, because there isn’t a soul in the Rogue Valley I want to kiss. No guy here makes my heart go pitter-patter. There’s no one I’ll die if I can’t be with. Heck, there’s not even someone I’m remotely interested in kissing. I find I’d rather be kept up alone in my room than even thinking about going out and trying to meet a guy. It just seems like too much effort to go out and find someone I’m going to have to leave in a year, because I’m going to move up to Portland and down to LA, and no guy is going to get in my way of achieving my dreams. I don’t want to be tied down. I’m not ready for that commitment. So I guess I’m going to accept that this year is going to be a long, lonely road. I’ll have my writing, my studies, my books, and my shows to keep me occupied. I can do this. I don’t need to be in a relationship.

But I can’t help missing kissing.

one more lonely night.

20 Jul

I fill my head with fantasies of men I do not even know. I tell lies to myself as I dwindle towards sleep, whilst I take deep breaths and tell myself it’ll all be okay. Tomorrow’s another day. Another day of possibility, another day of change. Yet nothing seems to change. I look better than I have in over a year; so why do I still feel like the girl in the room who’ll never get noticed? I switch sides. I roll over on my stomach. I curl up in a ball. These fantasies that once lulled me to sleep now cause me aches in my belly and sighs in my eyes. I’m becoming tired of sleeping alone at night.

The men I’ve concocted in my mind are just not cutting it anymore.

as the winter winds litter london with lonely hearts.

20 Jun

It’s hard to believe for five months straight I defined you as my reason for getting up in the morning. The reason I was at a computer 24/7; my sole reason to smile every day. It’s not that you aren’t that any longer. You still are, sort of. Not as much though. We just drifted, didn’t we? And maybe I opened my eyes and came to the realization that I know nothing about you. Nothing of major importance, at least. Knowing your favorite television programs and how we both dislike school and both adore Muppets is one thing, but when one has such powerful emotions for another I feel like they should probably know a little bit more about the other’s personal life. And maybe one day you’ll open up to me, and I to you. Maybe we’ll become close again, and then maybe one day our paths will finally cross and we’ll finally have that firework moment, but for now this is probably for the best. You’re still the boy who made me blush, though my heart no longer jumps quite as high when we talk. What a pity.

I never know what to do when I find myself crush-less. I feel awkward. Too much empty space in my mind; too much free time and not enough to think about. How am I supposed to fill the emptiness without a boy to fantasize on? Without a crush, my mind wonders towards poverty, famine, over population, war, intolerance, consumerism, and I become sad and scared. I do not like fearing a world that I crave to be in. My mind longs for the idleness and fluff of a crush to occupy the space. Is that a bad thing? That I’d rather pine after a boy who I have no chance of being with instead of focusing on real world issues? Maybe, but it’s the only way I find that I can truly cope in this life.

I know we live in a day and age where women are strong and empowered. I’m supposed to enjoy being single. I’m not supposed to need a man.

“I am woman
I am strong
I am confident
I am independent
I am omnipresent
I am self reliant.”

But Ilike having crushes. It’s what Iknow. I am always the girl with a crush. When I have no crush to hold onto it’s like I lose a bit of myself. There is almost always someone to offer my heart up to, and when there isn’t I’m left holding my swollen heart in the palm of my bitter hands, watching on as the blood pulses betwixt my fingers, and wondering what I should do with it.

So I’ll tuck my heart back inside the left pocket of my breast and move on. I suppose it’s for the best, but I already said that, didn’t I?

I do not need a man. I know this. I’ve always known this. I get along just fine on my own. I will continue to persevere, this much I know. I do not need a man. I do not need a man. I do not need a man.

But maybe I’d really like one anyway.