Tag Archives: heart

as the winter winds litter london with lonely hearts.

20 Jun

It’s hard to believe for five months straight I defined you as my reason for getting up in the morning. The reason I was at a computer 24/7; my sole reason to smile every day. It’s not that you aren’t that any longer. You still are, sort of. Not as much though. We just drifted, didn’t we? And maybe I opened my eyes and came to the realization that I know nothing about you. Nothing of major importance, at least. Knowing your favorite television programs and how we both dislike school and both adore Muppets is one thing, but when one has such powerful emotions for another I feel like they should probably know a little bit more about the other’s personal life. And maybe one day you’ll open up to me, and I to you. Maybe we’ll become close again, and then maybe one day our paths will finally cross and we’ll finally have that firework moment, but for now this is probably for the best. You’re still the boy who made me blush, though my heart no longer jumps quite as high when we talk. What a pity.

I never know what to do when I find myself crush-less. I feel awkward. Too much empty space in my mind; too much free time and not enough to think about. How am I supposed to fill the emptiness without a boy to fantasize on? Without a crush, my mind wonders towards poverty, famine, over population, war, intolerance, consumerism, and I become sad and scared. I do not like fearing a world that I crave to be in. My mind longs for the idleness and fluff of a crush to occupy the space. Is that a bad thing? That I’d rather pine after a boy who I have no chance of being with instead of focusing on real world issues? Maybe, but it’s the only way I find that I can truly cope in this life.

I know we live in a day and age where women are strong and empowered. I’m supposed to enjoy being single. I’m not supposed to need a man.

“I am woman
I am strong
I am confident
I am independent
I am omnipresent
I am self reliant.”

But Ilike having crushes. It’s what Iknow. I am always the girl with a crush. When I have no crush to hold onto it’s like I lose a bit of myself. There is almost always someone to offer my heart up to, and when there isn’t I’m left holding my swollen heart in the palm of my bitter hands, watching on as the blood pulses betwixt my fingers, and wondering what I should do with it.

So I’ll tuck my heart back inside the left pocket of my breast and move on. I suppose it’s for the best, but I already said that, didn’t I?

I do not need a man. I know this. I’ve always known this. I get along just fine on my own. I will continue to persevere, this much I know. I do not need a man. I do not need a man. I do not need a man.

But maybe I’d really like one anyway.

Face Time

18 Mar

This is a face.

It’s a good face. Not great or fantastic or overwhelmingly gorgeous, but good. It’s somewhat pleasant to look upon and even makes amusing expressions at times. It gets the job done and doesn’t seem to send people shrieking in the other direction. It’s a face that smiles often, especially when surrounded by wondrous, fabulous people whom it loves. It’s a face that loves to laugh. It’s also a face that cries, well, much more often than it really should. This doesn’t mean that it’s a particularly depressed face, mind you, it’s just sort of overtly emotional. It cries at happy occasions, sad occasions, movie scenes both happy and sad (especially when they involve animals), and sometimes even State Farm commercials. It’s a sensitive face. It showcases quite a bit of emotion quite a lot of the time. Another face once told this face, “It’s easy to read you. The emotion’s always there.” This face can hide certain emotions when need be, but, usually, it’s quite open about how it feels. It’s a face that tries to not be afraid to be itself.

This also happens to be a face that knows heartbreak. It’s a face that is used to getting its heart broken by either rejection or by being let down. It’s a face that’s never known love – or, rather, what it’s like to be in love – and is skeptical of when that is finally going to happen. And, almost one whole year ago, this face had its heart trampled upon in the worst possible way. It fell for another face it was seeing and, in the end, that other face did not want it. After that, it closed up. It told its heart “take a hike”, which is something it’s never done before. This face in the past has been the face that always has a crush on some other face. It’s quite the romantic, but it hasn’t been that way for a long time now. In the past year this face shut out date opportunities, possible suitors, and anyone that seemed remotely interested in it. It thought to itself, “Why bother? I know how it’ll end.” This face grew tired of being hurt. It just wanted to stop trying.

But as of late this face has been having some long conversations with its heart. Its heart has reminded it how great it feels to be kissed, how wonderful it once was to be gazed upon with dreamy emotion, and how lovely it is to wake up with a smile each and every morning. So, maybe this face hasn’t thrown the towel in. Not just yet. It’s been slowly opening up more and more as the months go by. It hasn’t necessarily put itself back out there just yet, but maybe it’d like to. Maybe it’d like to give romance another go; that is, if the world will let it.

While this may all be true, it’s also worth mentioning that I am more than just a face. I’m no woman or lady; I’m just a girl who’s trying to find her place in the world. I will always be that utter romantic at heart, daydreaming of being serenaded or given love poetry or that some hunky guy (*cough*JASONSEGEL*cough*) will whisk me away to Disneyland, even though it’s doubtful I’ll ever find a guy who’ll meet those expectations. But even though I have my extremely high, unattainable expectations, I’m hoping that, maybe someday, I’ll find that guy who will make me throw all my expectations out the window because he’ll complete me just as he is. And then there will be internal fireworks and unicorns and rainbows and stuff. Yeah. I’d like that.

But I am still twenty-one. I’ve got plenty of time.

Now, if you don’t mind, there’s a (cute) guy who wants to talk Muppets with me online and I’m not about to pass that up.

What I Long For.

22 Jan

(I wrote this a while back and just refound it, and thought it might be worth sharing.)

1) Learn the little things about me. What’s my favorite kind of music to fall asleep to? How do I like my tea? Do I even like tea? What movies can I recite with eyes closed? What was the first swear word I ever spoke aloud? What’s my opinion on hangovers? How do I fancy my pancakes? What’s my favorite kind of weather? What book do I indulge in every summer? Why do I collect masks? When did I start wearing glasses? Was I ever a vegetarian? Do I want a tattoo? What song makes me get up and dance? What did I name my boobs? Can I play an instrument? What kind of shampoo do I use? How do I respond to rain?

2) Learn the important things about me. Do I look more like my mom or my dad? Why did I decide to double major? What’s the significance of my Jay action figure? Why am I so self conscious about my appearance? Why am I so passionate about Muppets? What makes me laugh? What makes me cry? When did I start drinking? Why have I only ever been in one real relationship? Where do I like to be kissed? What is my greatest desire? What is my darkest fear? What terrifies me about being in love? Where did the three rings I always wear come from? What’s the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me? Do I like sex? Why do I like being called a geek? What’s the box hidden on the top shelf of my closet? What food makes everything all better?

3) Let’s just be friends. We don’t have to be cuddling or playing footsie or doing the tongue dance every second of our day. Just be with me for the sake of being with me. Do your homework while I watch the newest episode of Justified. Read a book while I play my gameboy. Nap while I make dinner. Write a story while I write a screenplay. Clean your room while I exercise. Cram for a test while I alphabetize my DVDs. Complete a crossword while I try to cut my cat’s nails. Do your dishes while download music. Check your facebook while I’m sorting through old clothes. As long as I’m with you, no matter what it is we’re doing, I’ll be happy.

4) Let’s just be romantic. Kiss me in public. Catch my gaze from across a crowded room. Carry me when I’m tired. Make me laugh till I cry. Make me blush. Buy me presents; simple yet meaningful. Make me soup when I’m sick. Let me pay for dinner every now and again. Write me love notes and leave them in places I’ll find later. Hold my hand when we’re together and never let it go. Text me when I cross your mind. Kiss my wrists. Kiss my forehead. Kiss the crook of my neck. Kiss my shoulders. Defend me. Speak candidly. Say lovely words. Snuggle with me. Make love with me. Dance and be silly. Hold me when I’m down. Call me out when I’m being anything less than I am. Tease me. Invigorate me. Intoxicate me. Show me the kind of world I’ve only read about in books.

5) Let me have my space. Every once in awhile, I’m going to turn you down. I have a life, and you do too. I need to get things done. Homework. Learning lines. Catching up on TV. Work. Feeding my cat. Making my bed. Doing laundry. Going to class. Hanging out with my girl friends. Hanging out with my guy friends. Going to improv. Writing slam poetry. Learning to cook. Studying for tests. Napping. Straightening my hair. Talking to my dad on the phone. Exercising. Going to rehearsal. I want you there for all that I do, but every now and then I just need a little space. Not much, but enough.

6) Let me share my space. Spend an entire day with me. Drive all night with me to the beach just so we can watch the sunrise. Accompany me shopping. Introduce me to your friends. Take me to that action movie you’ve been dying to see that I think looks dumb, but that you know I’ll see for you. Ask me to spend the night, but not always for sex. Don’t hesitate in responding to my texts. Go to midnight movie premieres with me. Let me bring you lunch when you’re too busy. Go to the gym with me. Stay up all night just talking. Find it cute when I come up with silly nicknames for you. Tell me your secrets. Be disgustingly cute with me in front of all our friends. Let’s build pillow forts.

7) Let me tell you about my past. Why I went to an all girl’s high school. What growing up with a twin was like. Who my first kiss was. All the best friends I’ve ever had. The moment I first considered theatre. The age I suddenly became interested in boys. The age I was, for a short while, interested in girls. When I grew into that awkward teenage state and when I grew out of it. How old I was when I finally got my ears pierced. That time I had surgery. The invisible friend I created when I was seven. How I once thought about being a magician for a living. The times adults have betrayed my trust. Why my dad and I used to fight every day. How I long to return to my childhood ways. What losing my mother was like.

8) Let me tell you about my future. Why I want to move to New York. How many kids I want to have someday. The age I’d like to marry. The detailed list of what I’m looking for in a life partner. How I do really want to own a horse. How I’m afraid of aging. How death terrifies me. My dream house. My hopes and aspirations. The Bucket List I’ve already started. How I’d like to travel more. How I’d like to find true love.

9) Let me tell you anything and everything there is to know about me.

10) Let me find out anything and everything there is to know about you.

If you do all this for me, I swear, I will do all of this for you in tenfold.