Tag Archives: infatuation

Older Men in the Media :: A Twenty-Two Year Old’s Infatuation

19 Jul

I’ve been meaning to write this entry for a while now; for years, really. I’ve written about it in snippets from time to time, but I’ve never truly delved into the heart of the matter. You see, this is an entry about my infatuation with older men.

Wait, let me correct that statement:

Older male celebrities.

I feel it’s an important distinction to make. There are very few instances in my life where I’ve had crushes on older men that I’ve known personally, all of which were trivial infatuations throughout high school that never lasted long. Of course, I should also make myself clear that when I’m talking about older male celebrities I’m not talking about, y’know, guys in their late 20’s or early 30’s. Heavens no.

I’m talking about how I, a 22 year old girl, have many a crush on celebrities 40 years old… or older.

I’ve been dying to write this entry ever since I saw Seeking a Friend For the End of the World last month. I walked into that movie expecting to like it, which I did, but halfway through the film I started noticing how ridiculously attracted to Steve Carell I suddenly was. This immediately harkened back to when I had a crush on him when I was sixteen and saw Little Miss Sunshine. I think what hooked me first during Seeking a Friend was his arms (that man has been working out, I swear), but it escalated from there. I’m pretty sure the only reason I didn’t cry as much as I should have at the end of the film was because I was too busy drooling over him. When I got home I googled Steve Carell to find out he is, as of right now, 49 years old. This left me thinking about the cumulative of my crushes on older men in the media.

Steve Carell in argyle? My vagina approves!

I’ve always pined after older actors, even as a kid, not to mention ones that are a bit… random. I’ve never really fantasized about the Brad Pitts or Matthew McConaughey’s of the world. I mean, as an example, here are my list of July celebrity crushes:

  • Steve Carell
  • Jason Tam
  • Jonah Hill
  • James Cagney
  • Patton Oswalt

I guess the most normal crush of the group would be Jason Tam; a Broadway actor who’s only 8 years older than myself. Is that a bad thing that that’s enough for me to deem him a “suitably aged” actor to crush on?

Then there’s James Cagney who’s, y’know, dead now.

Jonah Hill’s only six years older than me, but then again, I’m the only person I know of who’s actually got a crush on Jonah Hill (don’t judge me, Zach). The funny thing is that this crush occurred while watching 21 Jump Street. What’s that? I watched a movie starring Channing Tatum and walked away with a crush on Jonah Hill? Yup. Only me.

Last night I watched Young Adult, which was what gave me that final push to write this entry, because it occurred to me that I’ve had a crush on Patton Oswalt since around 2008. Patton’s forty-three years old now, making him basically twice my age. Not only that, but how many people in this world have a crush on Patton Oswalt? I doubt many.

Yup. Both of them. I would.

I’ve always had crushes on older, more obscure actors. I mentioned it in the past, but in the second grade I had a major celebrity crush – my first celebrity crush ever, actually – on Nathan Lane. When he was 41 years old, and I was only seven. Then around the same time I had a crush on David Thomlinson, ie. the grumpy-as-fuck dad in Mary Poppins, who was 47 when they made that movie. Who the fuck crushes on the grumpy dad in Mary Poppins the 3rd grade? Me, that’s who.

Yeah. I don’t understand either.

Other obscure actors I had crushes on before I turned eleven years old are: David Hyde Pierce (Fraiser), John Lithgow (3rd Rock From the Sun), Alfonso Ribeiro (Fresh Prince of Bel Air), William Daniels (1776), Roscoe Orman (Sesame Street), Brad Garrett (Everybody Loves Raymond), and Salem (Sabrina the Teenage Witch).

Yeah. I had a crush on a cat puppet when I was nine. I don’t know what that says about me.

Maybe it was for our mutual adoration of food…?

For my birthday this year, my brother gave me a copy of John Lithgow’s autobiography, which led to me laughing loudly and yelling, “THIS IS THE BEST”. I don’t think he realized I reacted in such a way because of my random John Lithgow crush that still, to this day, exists. (Fact: this entry came dangerously close to being entitled “My Dirty Little Secret: I Would Fuck John Lithgow.”)

As I’m sure you’re all saying, “Yes, yes, Julia, we get it, you’ve had some weird crushes in your life”, let me shove even more evidence in your face. Here follows a list of every male celebrity 43+ years in age that I have: drooled over, crushed on, fantasized about, wanted to marry, and/or been the cause of the exclamation “I WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES.”

Hugh Jackman (43), Peter Dinklage (43), Sam Rockwell (43), Patton Oswalt (43), Mark Ruffalo (44), Peter Linz (45), Robert Downey Jr. (47), Rob Lowe (48), Stephen Colbert (48), Steve Carell (49), Ralph Fiennes (49), Greg Kinnear (49), Conan O’Brien (49), Jon Stewart (49), John Slattery (49), George Clooney (51), Stanley Tucci (51), Michael Cerveris (51), Colin Firth (51), Ricky Gervais (51), Steve Whitmire (52), Dylan Baker (52), David Hyde Pierce (53), Brian Stokes Mitchell (54), Christoph Waltz (55), Alan Ruck (56), Michael Emerson (57), Dan Aykroyd (60), Geoffrey Rush (61), Bill Murray (61), Bill Nighy (62), Tom Wilkinson (64), Richard Jenkins (65), John Lithgow (66), Donald Sutherland (77).

What a list.

Of course, many of these are still deemed highly appropriate to crush on. George Clooney. Rob Lowe. Ralph Fiennes. I mean, what human isn’t in love with Colin Firth? And ever since The Avengers it seems like everyone wants in Robert Downey Jr.’s pants…  but it’s impossible to deny that there are some strange crushes on my list.

This, however, should not be one of them. Look at that face. I would lick that face.

I could go in depth analyzing my infatuation of the older male (the first person who says I have an Elektra complex will get shanked), but, quite honestly, there’s just something… nice about men. There’s an air of sophistication and maturity to them. They have family values. They know who they are. They have mature tastes and interests. They’re like good wine, aged to a perfect year. I’ve dealt with my share of boys, and they always leave me feeling like shit, so maybe there’s some inner desire to grow the fuck up and settle down. What’s strange though is that, while I spend plenty of time fantasizing about all the men I’ve just listed, I have no desire to actually be involved with any older man at my current age. I just like looking at them is all.

Do I have normal celebrity crushes? Of course. Chris Evans, Aaron Paul, Josh Hutchinson, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, Jason Segel, Darren Criss, they’re all welcome to the party in my pants as well.

Conan, Colbert, and Stewart all have VIP access to my pants party though.

Is this a weird thing to write a blog entry about? Most definitely. But the likelihood of me actually meeting any of these men and getting in a situation where my pants party theory could actually happen is highly unlikely, so for now just let me dream. There’s a pants party and all the men mentioned above are welcome.

(Except you, Channing Tatum. Go the hell away.)