Tag Archives: life

three

21 Apr

breath hasn’t been coming easily to me as of late
I’ve grown accustomed to sleepless nights and horrid thoughts
an anxious anxiety that permeates within my soul

but all I need do is place my hands on my stomach and just think
to be there
to be in you
to be surrounded by you
and it makes the breath come back in waves and renews
the heart in me that fears the worst

but not only that

this week has not been good for us as a people
what does it say that I feel afraid
to walk on the soil to which I call home?

and I’ve begun to contemplate
whether or not this one year excursion
might turn into something more than just
a meager diversion from reality

maybe it’s destiny, maybe just a vacation
but I cannot deny this question has been on my mind:

will I even want to come back?

~~~~~*~

six || five || four || three

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amazing twenty-four hours.

17 Apr

These last two weeks haven’t exactly gone according to plan.

I went into this term expecting the best. I’m only really taking three classes, which is the lightest coarse load I’ve taken in my entire college career. With an easy term ahead of me and New Zealand not too off down the road, I started this term with the highest of hopes. Spring terms, in the past, have tended to be quite sucky for me, so I was hoping I could break that streak on my fifth and final time.

Then, two days into this spring term, I started feeling bad. Shortness of breath, tingling, pangs of pain, chest pain, feeling lightheaded, etc. When I realized one night my left arm was completely numb I broke down crying because I thought I was having a stroke. Three days later I was in the hospital, prepared for the worst, and the doctor diagnosed me with anxiety. While there are far worse things I could’ve been diagnosed with, I was pretty bummed. So much for my easy term.

The last week and a half has been a trial, though I like to think I’m winning thus far. I realize I haven’t addressed most of these issues with friends as of late, except for the vague Facebook status on occasion (“Feeling great today!” or “I hate this”), but rest assured, things have slowly been getting better. I was, for a while, feeling kind of depressed over the whole thing, but that time has seemed to pass. Right now I feel, for the most part, back to my old self. I’m still having trouble sleeping at night, but even that’s gotten better. I’ve also gone and seen a counselor, and we talked about how my body might’ve had a lot of misplaced stress since I’m not taking as heavy of a coarse load as it’s used to (or, as Nick so graciously put it, I’m anxious about not being anxious (isn’t that just plain dumb?)). There’s also the chance that I might’ve had a pinched nerve that coincided with all of this, and I went to get a massage last week and, man, that has done wonders for me already.

But enough about why this term’s been crummy so far. Let me tell you about the last twenty-four hours.

Last night I went and competed in my second ever poetry slam. The first one I competed in was last month, and I walked away with second place, $30, and a gift certificate to Northwest Pizza. After round one last night I was sure I wasn’t going to place in the top three. I flubbed my first poem a bit and, if I had gotten any lower, wouldn’t have made it into round two. However, my next two poems were really well receive and, by the end of the night, I placed first. I was floored. I waked away with $105 in my pocket, a $25 gift certificate for pizza, and a $20 to Bloomsbury Books. I wanted to cry. I’m not used to winning anything really, so the fact that my poetry was so well received… gah, it’s just astounding to me. It’s amazing to know that people like my words.

Skip to this morning. I got to sleep in, then laze about watching TV for a while. After that, I took off downtown, and was thrilled to find out my financial aid had, indeed, gone through. Looks like someone can afford rent at the end of this month after all!

Not to mention that the weather today is so nice. Today’s one of the first where I’ve actually been able to don a dress. It’s been a good long while since I’ve felt good about myself appearance-wise, but today was one of those days. Plus, as I was walking through downtown, I realized that I wasn’t having to focus on my breathing like I have been all these last two weeks. I guess I really am getting better, and that’s wonderful beyond words.

Next, I hit up the Graduation Fair at my college. As I was making my way to the Fair, my New Zealand playlist (yes, I made a New Zealand playlist, shut up) shuffled to the song “I’m Waiting For My Real Life to Begin”, which was just utterly perfect and summed up how I’ve been feeling about graduating. I got my graduation announcements, my two tassels, and my stole. Then I headed off to the art building, and I was ecstatic to find that the art lab was open and I wrapped up this week’s photography project in under twenty minutes.

Finally, I headed to go meet with my Capstone adviser for Creative Writing (ie. Craig). I was really hesitant about going, and to bribe myself I bought the most delicious panini that I’ve ever tasted (because there is no greater incentive than food). I was hesitant because I hadn’t talked to Craig all of last term about my short story, so I had no idea how he felt about it. It’s a story I’ve been working on for over three years now, and it’s been so long that I’ve sort of lost perspective on it. I went into the meeting telling myself that he was probably going to have a lot of harsh critique, and if I ever wanted to be a professional writer I’d have to suck it up and take whatever he gave me. But the first thing he said to me when I took a seat in his office? “I love this story. I always have.” I was astounded. I wrote the story back in his Advanced Fiction Writing class when I was a sophomore, which was so long ago that I assumed he had forgotten all about it. He went on to give me some notes, mainly that I should cut down on some of my longer sections (since the shorter ones, he noted, pack a much greater punch) and then he had some nit picky things about grammar/spelling/word choice, which is fantastic. But he told me that my story is good overall, and that I’m great at opening sentences and transitioning between sections. It was just really nice to hear, especially when I hadn’t been expecting it.

Then I got home and found the clothes I had ordered came in the mail today. I’ve been pretty good about not throwing money around since I started saving for New Zealand (after this next paycheck I’ll officially be half way to my goal amount), but I figured I could spend a little on myself. I’ve been noticing I’ve been wearing a lot of dark colors recently, which there’s nothing wrong with, but I’ve been nostalgic for some brighter clothes. So I bought a couple of bright tops to liven up my wardrobe.

So, yeah, basically today has been the bee’s knees. I realize this quickly divulged into a diary-ish entry about “I did this” and “I did that”, but I don’t care. It was a damn good day. The best day I’ve had in a long time. I couldn’t ask for anything better.

school’s last first.

2 Apr

Well this is it, folks.

My last first day of school starts in twelve minutes.

It’s an odd feeling, knowing I’ll never return. Knowing graduation is right around the corner. Knowing there’s no denying the fact that I am an adult any longer. What’s more, it’s kind of scary. School is what I’ve come to know over years. Three month learning increments. Spring breaks. Christmas breaks. Summer breaks. Midterms. Finals. Late night cramming. Last minute project work. Doodling during lectures. Commuting to classes. Teachers rambling. All of it gone only two and a half months down the road from this very moment.

I’m not a spontaneous person, so school’s always been perfect for me. I like routine, and school is nothing if not routine. Routine is comfortable; routine is cozy. Routine is safe. It’s frightening that in seventy-four days the routine I’ve come to know will be gone forever. Yes, I have New Zealand to look forward to, and a whole future of doing whatever the hell I want. No more stupid classes that mean diddly-squat for my future. No more trying to memorize pointless facts and figures just to pass a test so my GPA will remain at its pristine 3.5 level. No more having to deal with the stupidity of certain people of my generation in classes. Yet still, it’s hard not to feel scared when you’re approaching the end of something that’s been your life for almost twenty years. I started attending preschool when I was three. I’m twenty-three now. Just thinking about my lifetime accumulating an education and how that’s soon ending makes my stomach churn. I feel as if I’ve learned all there is I need to know at this point, but it’s still frightening; the prospect of letting go.

Oh yes, there might be grad school in the future, but I’ve been a bit skeptical lately that I’ll be attending grad school. I guess it depends a few years down the line, where my writing has taken me and what it is exactly I’ll be doing with my life. Only time will tell on that front.

The point of all this is, despite the senior-itis that is bound to hit in, oh, probably the next day or two, and the joy I take in complaining about how I don’t want to be in Ashland and how I can’t wait to be in a different country, I’m going to try to enjoy these last couple months. I’m going to spend time with my friends that I know I wont see much of once I leave. I’m going to visit all my favorite restaurants and shops as often as I can. I’m going to try (though I doubt I’ll succeed) to not take my education for granted and actually appreciate my classes instead of bitching about them. I’m going to try to enjoy every moment, god willing.

The rest of my life starts in seventy-four days.

I am excited.

I am aghast.

I am terrified.

Let’s begin.

TPhoto_00031

officially Kiwi bound.

29 Jan

Things don’t often go right for me. Actually, no, scratch that, that’s an understatement. Things don’t ever go right for me. I’m used to the taste of rejection, sour on my tongue. Applying for wonderful internships with places such as Disney and The Daily Show, only to be turned down. Having awesome ideas for theatre pieces or performances, only to have them fall through. Putting myself forward in situations, only to be looked over for someone else. And don’t even get me started on relationships.

I’m used to it. Rejection. It follows me everywhere. It’s the reason I don’t put myself out there as often as I should. The reason I prefer quiet nights in on Saturday evenings spent in my room watching television instead of going out. It’s why I don’t speak up. It’s why I’m shy. It’s why I’m me.

So you have to understand when I say that I started sobbing the moment I found out my New Zealand visa was approved, there were a whole set of indescribable emotions behind my tears.

It’s dumb to think I wouldn’t have gotten it. Of course I was going to get it. I was always going to get it. I’m not a convict. I’ve never been kicked out of a country. I don’t have tuberculosis. I meet every single requirement needed to enter New Zealand, be it character, age, health, or place in the world. But as I sent in my application for a year long work visa in New Zealand just two days ago I told myself, “Well, okay, but there’s that chance.” That chance I wouldn’t get it. That my dreams would, yet again, betray me, leaving me to feel small and worthless and insignificant. After all, that’s what I’ve come to know.

So when I saw the word “APPROVED” underneath the word “DECISION” it felt surreal. It felt that, at last, I was getting a chance to live my life the way I’ve always wanted to. Through travel. Through adventure. Through wanderlust.

And now it’s final. I am going. I am going to live in a country I’ve never been to in my life, and I am going to live there for an entire year. I will have a friend with me for the first three or four months – and holy fuck, that is going to be so much goddamn fun – but then? Then I’m on my own. Then it’s just me and my body and my mind deep in the heart of New Zealand. There are so many endless possibilities lying in front of me right now. I’m finding it hard to breathe.

And I am so happy.
And so scared.
And so worried.
And so dazzled.
And so anxious.
And I cannot stop smiling.

For the first time ever, I think I feel whole.

anxiety taking hold.

6 Jan

Feeling particularly anxious today for some reason, and I’m not really sure why. Well, I mean, I have a couple of ideas.

  • School. My winter term of college starts tomorrow, though I’m not sure that’s what’s causing this sudden anxiety. To be honest, I’ve barely even thought about school and have to keep reminding myself not to forget I have classes to go to tomorrow. There is a possibility that, somewhere deep inside my subconscious, I’m freaking out about how I only have two more terms left to go before I’m a graduate. I’m guessing I’ll be ranting a whole lot more about this topic come the last term of school this March. I don’t know though, right now I’m mainly in the mindset of wanting to be graduated.
  • Art show. I have an art show opening in precisely three weeks and I haven’t done any work on it. Granted, all the pictures are already taken, but I’ve yet to do any work on how I want to arrange/reformat them. This is mainly because I plan on using the computers on campus to format how I’d like to print them, seeing as they all have excellent photoshop and my laptop doesn’t. Plus I plan on printing them through the school, so it can just be charged to my student account.
  • New Zealand. Remember how a few days ago I ranted a bit about my day dream of moving to New Zealand for a year? Yeah. Well. That’s most likely happening now. It’s still really early in the process and things could always change, but I have talked it out with my dad and, well, it’s most likely happening. Kathleen’s coming to New Zealand with me for the first couple months to travel, but then she’s going to head home to the states and I’m going to stay in New Zealand. Maybe try to find an apartment, get a job, write, and continue traveling. While I’m mostly excited (oh who am I kidding, I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED) about this opportunity, I’m anxious about having enough funds by the time we leave and also either finding a job over there or an online writing job. Money’s always been far too stressful for me. Then there’s the fact that I’ve never been in a place by myself before, and once Kathleen leaves, well, it’ll be a first time thing for me. Plus it means having to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas over there, which doesn’t make me anxious so much as it makes me sad. But I still want to do it, nonetheless.
  • Money. Going off of the New Zealand bullet point, I’m worried about surviving on such a tight budget for the next six months. I’m determined to stick to the budget plan I’ve laid out, in order to save enough money for my travels, but it pretty much means only using money to pay for food/rent until I graduate. I’m not saying I can’t go out sometimes with friends, but I am really going to have to watch my spending. Again, money’s always been this big ball of stress for me, so this will probably continue to make me anxious for my last two terms of school.
  • My love life. It’s officially been over a years since I was last kissed and 1.5 years since my last relationship. I know it’s stupid, but I’m kind of riding the “guess-I’m-going-to-be-alone-forever” train and don’t know how to get off of it.
  • Tumblr. I’ve gained, eh, quite a bit of Tumblr popularity recently. This is a good thing. A great thing. It fills my heart with joy. But suddenly people are looking to me for my opinions about things and telling me how much they respect me and they’re drawing fanart about the Hobbit head canons I’ve created, and, I don’t know, it’s stressing me out. I’m not trying to complain, I realize I’m lucky to have this happen, but I’m just not used to this much attention. Ugh. It’s dumb, I know. I’m sure I’ll get used to it.

So, I don’t know, it’s probably all of those things. Or maybe it’s because I had two cups of coffee in the same three hours. Ugh. Who knows.

Going out on a run to get rid of these nerves.

2013 New Years Resolutions.

1 Jan

All right, I’ve come up with my new years resolutions for 2013. For the most part I stuck with my normal resolutions/goals, but there are a few new things on here I am really striving towards.

  1. Keep this blog going. I’ve officially had this WordPress for a full year now. Hopefully I’ll be able to have yet another successful year of blogging on it.
  2. GRADUATE. Pretty straight forward.
  3. Capstones. I’m hoping to have both my capstones finished by the time I walk. I know this one will be tricky, seeing as some of my friends who are graduated still haven’t finished theirs, but I’m hopeful. My creative writing capstone will, no matter what, be finished by the time graduation rolls around, and I’m hoping that spring term I’ll be able to get my theatre one done. Fingers crossed!
  4. 365 Day Picture Challenge. Let’s see if I can keep up this blog for a third year in a row.
  5. Get my driver’s license. Because I’m 22 and I still have to resort to begging people for rides. Boo.
  6. Finish two screenplays. Also pretty straight forward.
  7. Bartending school. This one… I dunno. I kind of really just want to do a two week bartending school course over the summer. I think it’d be fun, but I wont be heartbroken if it doesn’t happen. Just sort of something I’ve had in mind. I don’t want to become a full time bartender or anything, but it might be a fun job to take on while I’m trying to get my writing out there.
  8. Read 30 books in a year. Last year I successfully read 50 books, but it was a challenge. I’m going to go a bit easier on myself this year.
  9. Find another freelance writing job. One that pays on a more regular basis.
  10. Save up $2000+ by summer. This means saving up money from work, from the rare occasion I get paid to write, from whenever relatives send me money in the mail, from whatever I get as graduation gifts, and from the massive garage sale I’m hoping to do once I move back home in June (I’m sure I’ll have plenty I want to get rid of). The reason for saving up so much money? Well…
  11. Travel. To New Zealand. Or Italy. Or New York. Or London. Or, fuck, anywhere. I just really want to travel after I graduate. I’m leaning towards New Zealand though. The goal I have in mind is to go on over there, maybe do a tour or something, and then just wander around and stay in hostels. Don’t know how long I’d like to stay, but this is, right now, the ultimate goal.
  12. Lose weight. I’m at a really good place with exercise right now, running several times a week and working out almost daily, so I’m hoping to focus a bit more on my eating habits. I don’t plan on cutting back in full, just, y’know, being a bit more careful. No more snacking on peanut butter at 3am, y’know? I’m generally pretty happy with the way I look, but I wouldn’t mind shedding a few pounds before summer hits.

2012: A (Quick) Year in Review

31 Dec

2012 is ending in less than seven hours, so I thought I’d take a look back at all the momentous (or, at least, momentous to me) things that happened this year. Think of this as the equivalent of a holiday card where I update you on all the shit that happened, except I’m not wasting paper and I don’t have to write so many addresses on so many damn envelopes.

————————

Co-directed The Vagina Monologues. What a rewarding experience! Probably the best experience I had all year, in fact. It was a great collaborative process, filled with so many fabulous females and a kick ass co-director. I learned a lot about myself along the way, both as a person involved in the practice of theatre/performance art and as a woman. I even wrote up my very own Vagina Monologue by the end of the process, which I’m extraordinarily proud of.

Completed another 365 picture challenge. My picture blog isn’t completely up to date right now, but I guarantee you this was another successful year of picture taking. I plan on embarking on a third year of this project, and this upcoming January I’ll be doing an art show using all the images I’ve taken thus far.

WordPress. I managed, for the most part, to successfully keep this WordPress alive all year long. I know it’s been kind of dead since summer ended (I learned my lesson about posting once a day for four months straight: it burns you out). Anyway, I’m proud of how I’ve been able to keep it up (heh heh) all year long. Hope I keep at it next year!

I went camping. AND I DIDN’T GET KILLED BY A BEAR. YAY.

Mountain Goats concert. I haven’t been to many concerts in my life (for shame), but I’m lucky in the sense that all the concerts I’ve gone to have been amazing, and this one was no exception. I had the privilege of going with Zach, and it was an amazing, cathartic experience. There’s something so healing about rocking out to your favorite songs played live.

Fanfiction. And that is all. (For now.)

The (stupid) crush. The most momentous aspect of my love life this year was that I had a five month long crush that went absolutely nowhere because, while the guy himself wasn’t stupid, the whole process of me liking him was stupid, stupid, stupid. And yeah. That was about the extent of it. My love life was rather boring this year. No me gusta.

Freelance writing. This year I got three (count ‘em, THREE) writing gigs online, one of which even paid me for several weeks (and still does on occasion). Writing for Tough Pigs, Buzz Patrol, and Cool Gizmo Toys has been an absolute treat and a great start to my future as a writer. I look forward to writing more for them this upcoming year.

I read 50 books in one year. Fuck yes.

My cat passed away. This one’s quite sad. We couldn’t find my beautiful cat, Annabelle, back in September and eventually had to assume she had run away. Then earlier this month our neighbor found her, buy, unfortunately, she was dead. While Annabelle drove me crazy on several occasions, I had her for over two years and loved her with all my heart. I can only hope she’s in a better place now (where there are lots of carpets to scratch up and no one to yell at her for doing so).

Applied to graduate college. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Death Anxiety. Heeeeeeeeeey here’s something I didn’t really talk to anyone about because it’s a super depressing subject and I don’t want to make other people sad but that’s okay because I worked it out on my own but it really explains why I spent a while being depressed. Oh boy! Fun times!

Ran the Color Run. Another rewarding experience! I ran the entire 5k with Nate, and by the end of it looked like Kermit the Frog. I’ve done a much better job taking care of my body this year. I run three or four times a week and exercise almost daily. The next step is being more careful about what I eat.

Got a sweet tattoo. I’ve had tattoos on the brain since I was a freshman in college. I had several designs in mind for a long while, but I eventually landed on the idea of a Muppet tattoo (pictured on the left, which reads “couldn’t we ride?” above it). Though the main question I get asked about it is “Oh, you’re a cyclist?” I don’t mind. It’s a tattoo that’s near and dear to my heart. I’m already in the process of planning and saving up for my next one (probably gonna be this behind one of my ears).

Tumblr Popular. I’m not going to delve into this one, but this year I went and gained a lot of Tumblr followers… a shocking amount, really. I know this sounds like a dumb thing to be happy about, but fuck you, I’ll be happy about whatever I so please. All of them have gotten pretty popular recently, and the tumblr I started less than a month ago has already gained 406 followers. The Muppet tumblr, which I’ve been maintaining for fifteen months now, officially has 1,735 people following it. Not bad, if I do say so myself.

Did SantaCon for a second time. Here’s a picture of me incredibly intoxicated hanging out with Nate, Pimp Santa, and some girl on the phone. The only thing I remember about the taking of this picture was that I really wanted to sit in that chair.

Obsessions. Let’s face facts: I am the queen of obsessing over things. There were quite a few obsessions to be had this year, but the ones that particularly stand out are: Downton Abbey, Jurassic Park, and The Hobbit. Then, of course, the Muppets are still at number one.

Italy. What a wonderful, gorgeous trip. This was the second time I’ve visited Italy in my lifetime, but unlike when I went at the age of sixteen I felt like I took so much more away from it this time around. We visited Cortona, Assissi, Cinque Terre, Rome, and Pisa, and I took over a thousand pictures while we were there. We were only in the country for a week, but it was beautiful and amazing and I can’t wait to return again. I’m also in the (slow) process of teaching myself Italian.

Tough Pigs. So, technically I joined up with Tough Pigs in December of 2011, but I think it counts more as a 2012 thing, so shut up. I could write an entire blog entry about my love of Tough Pigs, but I’ve already done that (twice). I would just like all my Tough Pigs, and Muppet friends in general, to know how much they’ve touched my lives and made me a better person. You guys are amazing, extraordinary people, and I’m so thankful to know you all. Thanks for making life so groovy. I’ll never think of socks the same again.