Tag Archives: lonely

like crazy.

25 Oct

I just watched the film Like Crazy; a film I’ve been dying to see ever since I witnessed the trailer almost a year ago. I knew going into this film it’d be a sad one, and I see now that I was correct in thinking so.

On the one hand, it’s got me bummed because the plot revolved around a long distance relationship. My ex and I were separated for only a summer when we were together, but even in just those three months I allowed the relationship to crumble and crack. So seeing this film depict the struggles of a long distance relationship… Oof. Like a punch in the gut.

On the other hand, this movie has enforced what I already know – that I’m ready to be back in a relationship. A part of me doesn’t want to make the effort, since I know I’ll be out of Ashland in eight months. Also, I seem to have forgotten how to do this whole thing. Dating. Asking guys out. Flirting. That whole spiel. I’ve just drawn so much into myself that the idea of me approaching a guy seems… unimaginable. It doesn’t help that there isn’t anyone in my life I’d like to be with either. At this point though, I wouldn’t mind a short lived relationship. A “fling,” as it were. If I could just have someone, for the remainder of the school year, to hold my hand during the day and hold me in his arms at night, that would be perfectly lovely. It’s just been so long since I’ve felt that crazy amount of energy and passion when you meet eyes or your fingertips touch. I miss romance. I miss passion. I miss putting my heart out on the line, but it’s been broken so many times that I’m scared to put it out there again. There’s so much I want though.

I just wish someone would see me.

dramatic sigh.

22 Sep

I keep making this particular gesture: I place a fist on the left side of my chest, clench it, and then have it fly away, the fingers waggling as they trail behind the palm.

It represents the way you make me feel.

I forgot how in love with you I am, was, and always will be, even though you’ll never see me as anything more than some shy kid who sung your praises far too often on summer nights some odd years ago. I realize there are a thousand and one reasons why I will never be with you, and I suppose in the grand scheme of things it’s for the best, but still my heart dreams.

This is dumb, dumb, dumb.

missing kissing.

19 Aug

It’s been over a year since I’ve been kissed. Really kissed. I suppose I was kissed twice since then, but those were just inebriated signs of affection. A drunk kiss is meaningless in the light of day. I miss being kissed though. Sometimes I’ll be watching a scene in a movie where two characters are overcome with such ferocious desire that they have no choice but to succumb to their emotions or I’ll be walking down the street and see two people’s lips meet in a simple “hello” or “goodbye” or “I love you”, and I’m taken by this sudden sadness. It’s not that there’s no one out there who wants to kiss me, because I know that plenty of people exist who qualify under that category. No. I become sad because there’s no one I want to be kissing. I’m so used to there being a presence in my life to constantly throw all my affection at, and now that there is no one I’m left not knowing what to do. The last several month’s of my life has been spent fantasizing about movie stars and fictional characteres, which can only quell romantic urges for so long. But there’s no one I want here. On my summer bucket list I wrote “make out” and I now realize that’s not going to happen, because there isn’t a soul in the Rogue Valley I want to kiss. No guy here makes my heart go pitter-patter. There’s no one I’ll die if I can’t be with. Heck, there’s not even someone I’m remotely interested in kissing. I find I’d rather be kept up alone in my room than even thinking about going out and trying to meet a guy. It just seems like too much effort to go out and find someone I’m going to have to leave in a year, because I’m going to move up to Portland and down to LA, and no guy is going to get in my way of achieving my dreams. I don’t want to be tied down. I’m not ready for that commitment. So I guess I’m going to accept that this year is going to be a long, lonely road. I’ll have my writing, my studies, my books, and my shows to keep me occupied. I can do this. I don’t need to be in a relationship.

But I can’t help missing kissing.

feel free to skip this entry.

30 Jul

The title of this entry says it all. What you’re about to read is a rant of me whining and being sad and just, ugh, do yourselves a favor and skip this pathetic entry.

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I don’t remember the last time I felt this utterly alone. I’ve written many a time about feeling alone or “oh, pity me, I’m shrouded in eternal loneliness!” but this is different. In the past it always circulated around me being angst-felt over boys, but this time… This time I’m talking about sheer loneliness; the feeling that your existence in this world is goes completely unnoticed by just about everyone.

Since returning to Ashland I’ve had approximately four get togethers with friends (five if you count the time Ryan and I spent a day clearing out the remains of our old house). That’s been it. Previous summers have spoiled me, because there was always something going on and someplace to go, so the few days of summer where I did get time to myself it felt like such a treat. But now? Now I barely leave my house, let alone my room. I feel like I’ve turned into this recluse. Sure, I leave to go to work, to go out running, to run errands, and to go write at a coffee shop once a week, but that is about the extent of it. I forget how essential the need for human contact is for me. I have my friends from Tough Pigs, who I love dearly, but talking to a computer screen is not the same as going out and grabbing a drink with a friend. I know I should get off my butt and ask people to do things, but I did earlier this summer and they never got back to me, which is just fodder for the lowliness that is my self esteem. It keeps taunting me. It wont stop whispering in my ear.

“They don’t want to be around you.”

“Nobody does.”

“You’re going to be alone forever.”

The fact of the matter is, I’m depressed. I am clearly in a definite state of depression right now. It’s been a while since I’ve been this depressed. I had a couple funks throughout the last school year, but none of them really lasted that long. And I know this will pass, as it always does, but I’m also in the phase where it feels like this feeling is going to last for forever.

I miss seeing people. I miss Nick. I miss having a roommate that looked forward to interacting with me on a day-to-day basis. I miss having a group of friends to drink with on the weekends. I miss having someone to crush on. I miss daily conversations that weren’t text based. I miss having fun.

This will break, I know it will, and I’ll go back to my chipper, happy self. I just don’t know when.

I think I’m going to force myself to go out on a walk later today. Clear out my mind. Get some fresh air. Something along those lines.

need an out.

22 Jul

Fly me to New York. Whisk me away to LA. Let’s rendezvous in Tuscany or Germany. A detour in Disney – either land or world – will do nicely. Let’s get swept up amongst the waves of Cannon Beach. Lose me in London. Take my hand, take my head, take my heart.

Just take me away from this place.

one more lonely night.

20 Jul

I fill my head with fantasies of men I do not even know. I tell lies to myself as I dwindle towards sleep, whilst I take deep breaths and tell myself it’ll all be okay. Tomorrow’s another day. Another day of possibility, another day of change. Yet nothing seems to change. I look better than I have in over a year; so why do I still feel like the girl in the room who’ll never get noticed? I switch sides. I roll over on my stomach. I curl up in a ball. These fantasies that once lulled me to sleep now cause me aches in my belly and sighs in my eyes. I’m becoming tired of sleeping alone at night.

The men I’ve concocted in my mind are just not cutting it anymore.

The problem with summer…

10 Jul

I told myself I’d write on here once every day this summer, and so far I’ve done a pretty decent job living up to that promise (well, okay, except for when I was up in Portland and didn’t write for about a week, but I was super busy seeing people and doing things and blah blah blah blah blah). Now that I’m back in Ashland I actually have time to sit down and write entire well thought out blog entries. My only problem?

I’ve got nothing to write about.

My last couple summers have all been super low key. I’ve stayed in Ashland, working at whatever job I’ve had (currently I’m still holding down my gig as the motel front desk clerk, plus a side job babysitting/helping out at a B&B). There are always less people around during summer to hang out with, since most people have gone on home to be with family, but this summer it’s even worse. A lot of the friends I have who normally stuck around in Ashland for summer in the past have flown the coop and graduated. Not to mention my roommate just took off today for the next two weeks (she never comes out of her room anyway, but still, the apartment feels even more empty), and the few friends I do have around who I’ve suggested we hang out to haven’t gotten back to me. I’m basically setting myself up for a frightfully lonely summer.

Looking at the last six days since I returned to Ashland, I have literally only left my apartment to: go to work, go running, and to go pick up my laptop from Best Buy. Not counting all the customers I see at my front desk job, I have interacted with exactly thirteen people in person, and one of them was a baby.

Don’t get me wrong, I love having me time. I love lazing around reading The Book Thief, rewatching old Frasier episodes, getting a chance to write, and so on, but I am only human. It’s getting to the point that I’m starting to crave human interaction, and the people I interact with at work just frankly are not cutting it.

This is a rather bland, boring, whinny blog entry, so I’ll cut it off before it drags on any further. I just really hope summer starts to pick up soon. As much as graduating scares me, I’m glad this is my last summer in Ashland. I’m ready to move on to bigger and better things. Anyway, once I’m all unpacked at my new apartment and finally completely settled, maybe I’ll be able to invite people over for a get together or something. A friend did offer for me to come visit him down in LA and maybe even take a trip to Disneyland for a day, so that might have to be something that happens sometime soon. I guess we’ll see.