Tag Archives: relationship

last night revelation.

20 Oct

Last night I was walking home from work; hands shoved deep inside my coat pockets and head bowed low. As I walked, drenched in rain drops and soaked in frigid night air, I began to review all the kisses I’ve ever had. I do this sometimes, when my mind lacks substance to think upon. I thought about every single kiss.

The drunk kisses. The stage kisses. The screen kisses. The friend kisses. The real kisses.

Then, at the end of the list of lips I’ve ever encountered, I came to yours. Your kiss. As I thought long and hard about all the shit I went through when it came to me and you, I began to think how your kiss was the one that changed everything. How yours was the first kiss that made me believe that there is more to life. How your kiss was the first that ever made me see fireworks. How your kiss was the first that ever left me wanting something more.

How could I still be mad at the boy who made me a believer?

And that’s when I stopped dead in my tracks. I stood there in the middle of the sidewalk, allowing the rain to pelt my shoulders and hair, not even wondering if the cars passing by were curious as to why I was frozen in place. I did not wonder because my mind was preoccupied. I was in awe. I was in shock. Yes, my mind was reeling because I had come upon a sudden realization:

I am ready to forgive.

Maybe it’s because I saw you today. Maybe it’s because it’s been a year and five months since it all crumbled into nothing. Maybe it’s because I finally feel ready to be in a relationship again. Maybe it’s because I thought the Mountain Goats song blaring on my iPod was a sign that it was time.

So there it is.

It is time to forgive.

It is time to move on.

missing kissing.

19 Aug

It’s been over a year since I’ve been kissed. Really kissed. I suppose I was kissed twice since then, but those were just inebriated signs of affection. A drunk kiss is meaningless in the light of day. I miss being kissed though. Sometimes I’ll be watching a scene in a movie where two characters are overcome with such ferocious desire that they have no choice but to succumb to their emotions or I’ll be walking down the street and see two people’s lips meet in a simple “hello” or “goodbye” or “I love you”, and I’m taken by this sudden sadness. It’s not that there’s no one out there who wants to kiss me, because I know that plenty of people exist who qualify under that category. No. I become sad because there’s no one I want to be kissing. I’m so used to there being a presence in my life to constantly throw all my affection at, and now that there is no one I’m left not knowing what to do. The last several month’s of my life has been spent fantasizing about movie stars and fictional characteres, which can only quell romantic urges for so long. But there’s no one I want here. On my summer bucket list I wrote “make out” and I now realize that’s not going to happen, because there isn’t a soul in the Rogue Valley I want to kiss. No guy here makes my heart go pitter-patter. There’s no one I’ll die if I can’t be with. Heck, there’s not even someone I’m remotely interested in kissing. I find I’d rather be kept up alone in my room than even thinking about going out and trying to meet a guy. It just seems like too much effort to go out and find someone I’m going to have to leave in a year, because I’m going to move up to Portland and down to LA, and no guy is going to get in my way of achieving my dreams. I don’t want to be tied down. I’m not ready for that commitment. So I guess I’m going to accept that this year is going to be a long, lonely road. I’ll have my writing, my studies, my books, and my shows to keep me occupied. I can do this. I don’t need to be in a relationship.

But I can’t help missing kissing.

somebody that I used to know.

13 Jun

I saw you today
and suddenly remembered the feel of your arms.

Sometimes I miss the shuffles.

From a hundred miles an hour to zero in less than a second.

6 Feb

There’s always this moment – a breath – this unhinged microsecond where I am free from absolutely every thought I’ve ever had of you. In this moment, this one, brief, blissful moment, I am happy. Content. Satisfied. Rejuvenated. Alive. I’m in control, I couldn’t care less about the things of my past, and I am just me. Purely and simply. But it never lasts, because you suddenly bring me back to what I went through – never me, it is always you bringing me back to page one – and it always ends with me wanting to fall to pieces. I can still remember how broken you left me. Broken, broken, broken girl in a dismal, fragile, lonely world.

I had a really good day today, but one word from you about our past and my world goes to shit. So I hope this is it. I hope that we are going to make amends and finally put it behind us because, honestly, I’m tired of feeling like this.

This is why I am so much better off alone.


12 Jan

Last night I started up the book Looking for Alaska – which is absolutely fabulous, by the way – and I finally decided to put it down when it was about 2:30am, and only because I had classes to wake up to. Well, lying in bed that night, I suddenly found myself tossing and turning. I was restless beyond all belief. Sleep was just not there, and I think I know why. In the span of four hours yesterday I found out: A) the guy who I was seeing last spring is now officially in a relationship, and B) Jason Segel went on a date with some fan girl yesterday.

Okay, so the Jason Segel part is kind of stupid/immature, but whatever, I’m gonna be jealous if I wanna be. As for point A, well, I’m not jealous, not really, but last night as I was trying to sleep I was suddenly haunted by all the good times we had together. That’s the worst, remembering the good. Suddenly the three months of me crying, letting myself go, and loathing myself after we stopped seeing each other seems like nothing when remembering the blissful moments we shared. This isn’t me stating that there’s still something there for me, because there’s not. That ship sailed a long time ago. It just… would be nice to have that again with someone, y’know? (And, okay, maybe I’m a little hurt that he’s embarking in a relationship with a girl whereas he wanted no such thing with me. Boo.)

And yes, I am quite aware that this certain boy could very well be reading this, as it is public and pretty much everyone knows who code word “boy” is. If that’s the case, this has got nothing to do with you, this is really more me analyzing my relationship with, well, relationships.

I’ve just been so anti-relationship since all of this went down. That was eight months ago. I guess I just got tired of getting my heart stepped on. Oh sure, in those eight months I’ve had a crush or two here and there, but nothing serious. All that being said, there’s still a chunk of me that just so wants a relationship. A successful one. I have partaken in three relationships so far in college: one boyfriend, one drunken make out cohort, and whatever me and the guy were. With the exception of the majority of time the boyfriend and I were together, none of them have been positive relationships. All of them have left me feeling drained, unwanted, and unworthy, and I guess I finally just got tired of that, which is tough because I suddenly seem to have attracted a whole mass of guys who are interested (…over the internet…which…I don’t even know…it’s another entry for another day). Not to mention all the boys I’ve chased and all the boys who’ve chased me and none of it leading anywhere and too many feelings getting hurt and – gah. When I was in high school this was not how I pictured my relationships in college.

As I tossed and turned last night, all I could really think of was that I’d just like someone to hold me while I sleep. Is that too much to ask? I really think that’s what I miss most of all. Just the feel of a pair of arms around me as I doze in and out of dreams, steadying me and keeping me safe. Sure, I’d love all the other positive things that come with relationships, but being held stands out the most to me (but maybe that’s because I was having trouble sleeping at the time…).

So yeah. I’m lonely, boys are dumb, and Looking for Alaska is fantastic so far.

(Side note: For the most part I wrote this entry up last night, and I just went through and edited it to make it past tense. What I failed to mention was that a certain guy who I’ve had a slight crush on for a while now talked to me recently and, oh goodness, and I have not been that giddy over a boy talking to me in months. It was just innocent conversation, but still. It’s nice to know I’m not totally dead on the inside when it comes to relationships. There is still that spark, it just needs some help being refueled.)