Tag Archives: sad

dramatic sigh.

22 Sep

I keep making this particular gesture: I place a fist on the left side of my chest, clench it, and then have it fly away, the fingers waggling as they trail behind the palm.

It represents the way you make me feel.

I forgot how in love with you I am, was, and always will be, even though you’ll never see me as anything more than some shy kid who sung your praises far too often on summer nights some odd years ago. I realize there are a thousand and one reasons why I will never be with you, and I suppose in the grand scheme of things it’s for the best, but still my heart dreams.

This is dumb, dumb, dumb.

feel free to skip this entry.

30 Jul

The title of this entry says it all. What you’re about to read is a rant of me whining and being sad and just, ugh, do yourselves a favor and skip this pathetic entry.

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I don’t remember the last time I felt this utterly alone. I’ve written many a time about feeling alone or “oh, pity me, I’m shrouded in eternal loneliness!” but this is different. In the past it always circulated around me being angst-felt over boys, but this time… This time I’m talking about sheer loneliness; the feeling that your existence in this world is goes completely unnoticed by just about everyone.

Since returning to Ashland I’ve had approximately four get togethers with friends (five if you count the time Ryan and I spent a day clearing out the remains of our old house). That’s been it. Previous summers have spoiled me, because there was always something going on and someplace to go, so the few days of summer where I did get time to myself it felt like such a treat. But now? Now I barely leave my house, let alone my room. I feel like I’ve turned into this recluse. Sure, I leave to go to work, to go out running, to run errands, and to go write at a coffee shop once a week, but that is about the extent of it. I forget how essential the need for human contact is for me. I have my friends from Tough Pigs, who I love dearly, but talking to a computer screen is not the same as going out and grabbing a drink with a friend. I know I should get off my butt and ask people to do things, but I did earlier this summer and they never got back to me, which is just fodder for the lowliness that is my self esteem. It keeps taunting me. It wont stop whispering in my ear.

“They don’t want to be around you.”

“Nobody does.”

“You’re going to be alone forever.”

The fact of the matter is, I’m depressed. I am clearly in a definite state of depression right now. It’s been a while since I’ve been this depressed. I had a couple funks throughout the last school year, but none of them really lasted that long. And I know this will pass, as it always does, but I’m also in the phase where it feels like this feeling is going to last for forever.

I miss seeing people. I miss Nick. I miss having a roommate that looked forward to interacting with me on a day-to-day basis. I miss having a group of friends to drink with on the weekends. I miss having someone to crush on. I miss daily conversations that weren’t text based. I miss having fun.

This will break, I know it will, and I’ll go back to my chipper, happy self. I just don’t know when.

I think I’m going to force myself to go out on a walk later today. Clear out my mind. Get some fresh air. Something along those lines.

need an out.

22 Jul

Fly me to New York. Whisk me away to LA. Let’s rendezvous in Tuscany or Germany. A detour in Disney – either land or world – will do nicely. Let’s get swept up amongst the waves of Cannon Beach. Lose me in London. Take my hand, take my head, take my heart.

Just take me away from this place.

as the winter winds litter london with lonely hearts.

20 Jun

It’s hard to believe for five months straight I defined you as my reason for getting up in the morning. The reason I was at a computer 24/7; my sole reason to smile every day. It’s not that you aren’t that any longer. You still are, sort of. Not as much though. We just drifted, didn’t we? And maybe I opened my eyes and came to the realization that I know nothing about you. Nothing of major importance, at least. Knowing your favorite television programs and how we both dislike school and both adore Muppets is one thing, but when one has such powerful emotions for another I feel like they should probably know a little bit more about the other’s personal life. And maybe one day you’ll open up to me, and I to you. Maybe we’ll become close again, and then maybe one day our paths will finally cross and we’ll finally have that firework moment, but for now this is probably for the best. You’re still the boy who made me blush, though my heart no longer jumps quite as high when we talk. What a pity.

I never know what to do when I find myself crush-less. I feel awkward. Too much empty space in my mind; too much free time and not enough to think about. How am I supposed to fill the emptiness without a boy to fantasize on? Without a crush, my mind wonders towards poverty, famine, over population, war, intolerance, consumerism, and I become sad and scared. I do not like fearing a world that I crave to be in. My mind longs for the idleness and fluff of a crush to occupy the space. Is that a bad thing? That I’d rather pine after a boy who I have no chance of being with instead of focusing on real world issues? Maybe, but it’s the only way I find that I can truly cope in this life.

I know we live in a day and age where women are strong and empowered. I’m supposed to enjoy being single. I’m not supposed to need a man.

“I am woman
I am strong
I am confident
I am independent
I am omnipresent
I am self reliant.”

But Ilike having crushes. It’s what Iknow. I am always the girl with a crush. When I have no crush to hold onto it’s like I lose a bit of myself. There is almost always someone to offer my heart up to, and when there isn’t I’m left holding my swollen heart in the palm of my bitter hands, watching on as the blood pulses betwixt my fingers, and wondering what I should do with it.

So I’ll tuck my heart back inside the left pocket of my breast and move on. I suppose it’s for the best, but I already said that, didn’t I?

I do not need a man. I know this. I’ve always known this. I get along just fine on my own. I will continue to persevere, this much I know. I do not need a man. I do not need a man. I do not need a man.

But maybe I’d really like one anyway.

regret.

14 Jun

I can’t save every broken heart, every dashed dream, every torn sob that crosses my path.

But Jesus, sometimes I wish I could.

somebody that I used to know.

13 Jun

I saw you today
and suddenly remembered the feel of your arms.

Sometimes I miss the shuffles.

the four year roommate.

8 Jun

Walking through the unfamiliar terrain
that I will soon call home
drives a knife of fear into my feeble heart.
I have never been without you,
and by never I mean since we first
arrived in this tiny land.
A land of ash.
A land of Bards and fairy wings.
A land of delicious possibilities.

How am I supposed to inhabit this new place
without your curious sense of humor?
How am I supposed to survive
without the chore of nagging you
to buy more milk?
How am I supposed to cope
without my panda?

We’ve grown distant,
what with your life taken over by the Boy
and progress in your craft of building tables and stairs,
and my life taken over by the sheer lack of boys
and abundance of homework and life and stress and whatnot,
but that changes nothing.

I still count you as one of the greats.

You made me strong.
You held my hand as we departed,
merely children,
some odd years ago,
and now you, my source of strength, is
flying away to find a new home.
A bigger and brighter home.
A home you truly deserve.

I wish you the most extravagant happiness
that anyone could ever possibly gain,
because even though I’ll miss you
with all of my heart’s strength,
that is all I want for you.

To be happy.
To be healthy.

To flourish.

To live.