Tag Archives: school

one month to go.

13 May

I’m feeling good today, which has been really nice. I’ve been in a rut for the last week, feeling depressed about life while also feeling excruciatingly lonely, so I’m happy that today has been a good one.

I think there’s a whole combination of reasons for my positive outlook on today. For starters, I got to write some articles for BP this afternoon. It’s been a while since I’ve been asked to write for them, and there is no greater feeling on this planet than getting paid for your words. Then this morning I went for a run and listened to I Am America, which was just an amazing way to kick start the day. I also found out Nick is coming to town this weekend, which just fills my heart with glee. To top it all off, the weather is just beautiful (and not sweltering hot like the last couple days), and good weather always puts me in a good mood.

I realized today that I’ve begun to slowly come to terms with The End. The end of school; the end of my time in Ashland. It’s a rather bittersweet feeling. I’ve wanted out of this town for a while (since my junior year, really), but now that the end is in sight I’m sad to leave it all behind. I’ve been reflecting on my definition of “home” recently and have come to realize that, in almost two months, I’m not going to have a home for an entire year. That both scares and invigorates me. Ashland’s been my home for so long; so much so that Portland doesn’t quite feel like home to me anymore.

Anyway, I’ve got about a month left before I leave Ashland. In that time I’d like to revisit my favorite restaurants/bars/coffee shops, say goodbye to all my friends, walk all of Lithia Park one last time, hang out at Emigrant Lake, perform in the Rogue Valley Poetry Slam for my third (and final) time, and perhaps see My Fair Lady or King Lear at OSF.

It’s funny. When I close my eyes I can see my dorm room back when I was a wee freshman; Amanda sitting on her bed in the corner sketching while I watch CSI over at my desk across the room. Things were so different back then. I was so different back then. I was still a kid. I didn’t know anything about the world. And now… well, okay, I still don’t know much about the world, but I know so much more now than when I was a frosh. A part of me feels like I’m just a giant kid wrapped up inside an adult’s body, and I think I’m always going to feel that way, but I can also recognize how mature I’ve become. Nowadays I love cleaning, budgeting my paychecks, grocery shopping, cooking/baking, running/exercising, drinking, writing poetry, and having a job. I literally despised all of those things I just listed when I was eighteen.

The gap between an eighteen year old and a twenty-two (going on twenty-three) year old doesn’t seem like much, but holy hell, it really is a lot. You just deal with so much in that time frame. You try new things. You learn new things. You learn who you are and how you perceive the world around you. That’s one reason why I’d argue the importance of going to college; not so much for the degree and all the student loans you’re guaranteed to wrack up, but because of the people you meet and the interactions you partake in and the experiences you garner. Would I have turned out differently if my neighbor back in the dorms hadn’t slowly transformed into a transwoman before my eyes? If I didn’t gain friends who outwardly enjoy sex, weed, and alcohol? If I hadn’t dealt with friends coming out, friends expressing suicidal thoughts, and friends who went through pregnancy scares and abortions? Would I be the same sheltered girl that I was when I was eighteen, so wide eyed and naive to the ways of the world?


This wasn’t meant to be a rant. This was supposed to be a quick update on how I’ve been having a good day, but then I got… nostalgic? I guess I’m just grateful. Despite wishing I had chosen a different college many times throughout my education, if I had to go back I wouldn’t have chosen differently. I’m sure I would’ve had a great time at other schools as well – and probably gotten more for my money – but I wouldn’t trade in the friendships, experiences, and memories I made at SOU for anything in the world.

One more month to go.

Let’s try to make the most out of it.

September, 2008


May, 2013

school’s last first.

2 Apr

Well this is it, folks.

My last first day of school starts in twelve minutes.

It’s an odd feeling, knowing I’ll never return. Knowing graduation is right around the corner. Knowing there’s no denying the fact that I am an adult any longer. What’s more, it’s kind of scary. School is what I’ve come to know over years. Three month learning increments. Spring breaks. Christmas breaks. Summer breaks. Midterms. Finals. Late night cramming. Last minute project work. Doodling during lectures. Commuting to classes. Teachers rambling. All of it gone only two and a half months down the road from this very moment.

I’m not a spontaneous person, so school’s always been perfect for me. I like routine, and school is nothing if not routine. Routine is comfortable; routine is cozy. Routine is safe. It’s frightening that in seventy-four days the routine I’ve come to know will be gone forever. Yes, I have New Zealand to look forward to, and a whole future of doing whatever the hell I want. No more stupid classes that mean diddly-squat for my future. No more trying to memorize pointless facts and figures just to pass a test so my GPA will remain at its pristine 3.5 level. No more having to deal with the stupidity of certain people of my generation in classes. Yet still, it’s hard not to feel scared when you’re approaching the end of something that’s been your life for almost twenty years. I started attending preschool when I was three. I’m twenty-three now. Just thinking about my lifetime accumulating an education and how that’s soon ending makes my stomach churn. I feel as if I’ve learned all there is I need to know at this point, but it’s still frightening; the prospect of letting go.

Oh yes, there might be grad school in the future, but I’ve been a bit skeptical lately that I’ll be attending grad school. I guess it depends a few years down the line, where my writing has taken me and what it is exactly I’ll be doing with my life. Only time will tell on that front.

The point of all this is, despite the senior-itis that is bound to hit in, oh, probably the next day or two, and the joy I take in complaining about how I don’t want to be in Ashland and how I can’t wait to be in a different country, I’m going to try to enjoy these last couple months. I’m going to spend time with my friends that I know I wont see much of once I leave. I’m going to visit all my favorite restaurants and shops as often as I can. I’m going to try (though I doubt I’ll succeed) to not take my education for granted and actually appreciate my classes instead of bitching about them. I’m going to try to enjoy every moment, god willing.

The rest of my life starts in seventy-four days.

I am excited.

I am aghast.

I am terrified.

Let’s begin.


lazy saturday morning.

9 Mar

As I’ve already made clear time and time again, this school term hasn’t been a great one. It’s been an example of why I shouldn’t put things off to the last minute, and how horribly I crumble when I bite off more than I can chew. Two and a half jobs, seven classes, light crew, and an art show… Phew. It was a heavy work load, to be sure, which should explain my lack of entries on here as of late.

The term’s not over yet. We’re entering dead week in two days, and then to swiftly follow will be finals week. I’ve still got two portfolios to put together, three short stories to wrap up, and two more papers to write – not to mention three final exams to start prepping for. I’ve got a ways to go before I can breathe easy, and even after this term is over I still have one more term to go where I’ll have to throw myself into both Capstones to ensure completion, while also juggling four classes, preparations for my New Zealand excursions, and starting to make the transition into leaving Ashland, my home, behind. I don’t think I’ll truly be able to rest until I’ve crossed that stage and been handed my faux diploma.

And yet, this morning, I allowed myself some breathing room. I slept in until 9:30am, loitered about watching The Colbert Report and dicking around on Tumblr, and then I did something I haven’t done in ages. I got back in bed and spent two and a half hours reading. Nothing else. Just me and the book. It was glorious and comforting. I mean, there’s not much comfort in reading the A Song of Ice and Fire series (though I’m glad to say, unlike Monday when the book made me weep, today I found myself fist pumping the air), but the act of shirking the work I should be doing in order to escape to GRRM’s fantasy world… it was just nice, y’know? It’s nice to give yourself a break, which I don’t think I’ve done a good job of this term. Compared to the last two months, my work load today isn’t quite as grievous, so I allowed myself the chance to indulge. Everyone should indulge now and again, if only for the sake of their sanity.

98 days until graduation.

39 days of attending classes.

12 days until spring break.

6 days until finals begin.

I can do this.

I’ll Be Home For Christmas.

9 Dec

Recently I’ve been trying hard to be content with the moment; to live in it. We so often get wrapped up in what’s to come that we forget to take a moment to ourselves, which is why I’ve tried so hard to not over anticipate the future, but to, instead, appreciate the present.

That being said, I’m so glad it’s time to head up to Portland for Christmas break.

It’s been a rough couple of months, both emotionally and school-wise, but I have no doubt that this holiday season’s gonna be a good end to a really “meh” year. I’ve already made plans with friends, such as doing the Santa-Con pub crawl for a second time, visiting the new aquarium, seeing The Mountain Goats in concert, going out for drinks, playing Nancy Drew video games, something to do with cheesecake, and going to the midnight premiere of The Hobbit and feeding the flame that is my Bofu obsession with a group of good friends.

Then there will be the time I get to spend with my family. I’ve already made plans to spend an afternoon with my little cousins, who I barely ever get to see, as well as spending Christmas night with the entirety of my mom’s side of the family. Then there will be the much needed time spent with my dad and brother decorating the house. My family’s plum crazy about Christmas, and turning our home into a Winter Wonderland is always a highlight of the holiday season for me. I also made my dad promise we’d go see Les Miserables on Christmas day, so there’s something else to look forward to.

I’m hoping I wont be my usual lazy self when I go up north this year. I’m not planning on a holiday diet or anything, I’m just hoping that I can drag my sorry ass out of bed and go out running a couple mornings each week, as I normally do. Maybe spend a little less time in front of the TV and computer as well. And, okay, maybe try to watch my cookie and fudge intake, as it normally does go up around this time of year.

The holidays are just such a joyous time of the year. Being with friends and family, exchanging gifts, going out and having fun – gah – I love it.

As I sit here, sipping the coffee my boss got me from Morning Glory next door, I can’t help but think how this is my last Christmas break. The last time I’m gonna have to pack a suitcase for two weeks to head back up to Portland. The last time that sense of relief washes over me as finals draw to an end. This time next year I’ll be graduated, most likely jobless, and already living back at home with my dad. Will my family be driving me crazy at that point? Will I spend the holidays next year cooped up in my room on my laptop? Will this month mean the same thing as it always has in the past? This time of year, while certainly about the holidays and spending time with loved ones, has always been sort of break from real life, since it’s when school ends for a short amount of time and I don’t feel bad about shirking my to do list off for a couple weeks. I can’t help but wonder where I’ll be a year from now, and what state of mind I’ll be in. I guess only time will tell.

But for now? For now I’m utterly grateful for this winter season and a chance to head back home. I have only the highest hopes that the next 2.5 weeks will be a joy to behold, and I plan to treasure every moment.


happy days are here again.

18 Nov

This school term’s been a little trying for me… well, okay, more than a little trying.

While the work load hasn’t been much different from term’s past, the fact that I’m going through some serious Senior-itis has made it pretty unbearable. Not to mention I’ve been dealing with a three month long existential crisis (something I’ve never truly experienced before) and it has not been going very well. Notice my lack of entries on here? Yeah. Blame the existential crisis.

But I’ve been doing a lot better recently. Nick came back into town (thank the powers that be), so I’ve actually been getting out of the house. This last Wednesday was the best. I didn’t have work and all my classes were canceled (save one, but I skipped it), so Nick and I hung around the apartment for a bit and then went on a three hour walk all around Ashland. It was just the thing I needed to pick my spirits up. Three of my classes were canceled last week, and two are canceled this week (and then Thanksgiving happens) so I’ve had a lot more free time. Meaning? I’m currently way ahead on all my homework, and with the exception of two projects I’m basically set until after Thanksgiving. This is the first time all term that I haven’t felt incredibly bogged down by homework. It’s pretty wonderful.

Today’s been a great day though. It’s one of the few days all term where I haven’t felt down in the dumps about things that are far out of my control. I went to Starbucks and finished going through the second half of a hard copy of my screenplay, and when I finished that earlier than expected I went around and got some early Christmas shopping done. I bought all my gifts for three friends and a couple for my dad, leaving just one more friend, my brother, my five little cousins, and a few more things for my dad. I figure I’ll wrap up the rest of my Christmas shopping once Thanksgiving is over. I’d really like to get most of my Christmas shopping done early this year, so I don’t have to fret about running around and getting it done the week before. (Well, except for Anthony. Dad and I tend to go out and get his gifts together, so I’ll take care of that one later.)

My dad called me up and told me that he liked my Pumpkin Snickerdoodles so much that he’d like me to make them for Thanksgiving. Is it silly that I’m proud over that? This is the first time I’ll actually making something on my own for the family to eat when they’re together. I did tell my dad that instead of watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade this year I want to help him make food, so I guess this is a step in the right direction.

Otherwise, yeah! Today’s been good. My first really good day this term, if you don’t count the couple days I’ve spent with Nick since he got back in town. I think it helps that this term is coming to a close. Plus I’ve been eating pretty healthily and found a new way to do my hair, which sounds silly, but it’s been a while since I’ve had a positive thought about my appearance, so that’s nice. Friends are also a good thing. I’m probably gonna see Nate the Friday after Thanksgiving, then go out for drinks with Kathleen that night. I can’t wait for Christmas break. I’m hoping to spend a lot of time with friends and relish in the Holiday Season.

The moral of this story is that Christmas time makes everything better because it’s my favorite time of the year.

not a bad day.

23 Oct

I’ve come to dislike Tuesdays so far this school term. It’s the day with my two least favorite classes, and I usually don’t get home until 6:30pm and have absolutely no energy. So I’m pretty surprised that today has turned out to be pretty great.

I got up early and went on my usual Tuesday morning run, which went well, and then was able to catch up on some television shows before heading off to class. My first class was Grammar & Style, which I suppose has gotten better lately. I feel like ever since my teacher read my last paper she understands me as a person and respects me as a writer. Today was awkward since my normal seat was taken, so instead of sitting in the front row I ended up sitting right next to: A) Annoying Profanity Chick who I ranted about last week, and B) the cute guy in my class. You’d think sitting next to cute grammar boy would be a perk, but I recently found out (through the power of Facebook stalking) that not only is he in a relationship, but he’s in a relationship with a friend of mine. Cute boy and I still ended up being partners and sharing our in-class sentences, and then we talked about Jurassic Park… so… yeah… it doesn’t hurt to just look, right? I’ll just have to bite my tongue and resist the urge to yell at him, “HOLY FUCK, I LIKE YOUR FACE.”

Then I went to my Intro to Drawing class, which I’ve been having even larger problems with than my Grammar class. The first couple weeks just weren’t good for me. I’m not an artist. Well, not that kind of artist. I’m a photographer. I can doodle, but actually draw? Not so much. So with the first couple weeks focusing on drawing negative space, obscure shapes, and the like, it’s fair to say I’ve been struggling; especially with everyone else in the class being pretty damn good at drawing, making my work like a nine year old’s. Last week was slightly better though, because we moved onto drawing nude models. Glad to know doodling people since high school has finally come in handy.

Another reason Intro to Drawing’s been an overall meh experience for me is that I don’t really have friends in it. For the most part everyone’s a freshman and… I dunno. I just feel like an old fart taking the class. Also, I’ve been pretty convinced that the teacher’s tolerating me because he knows I’m only taking the class to fulfill a requirement.

Anyway, I get to class early today, and a couple of the girls were talking about the possibility of snow in Ashland. I ended up chiming in, since I’ve been in Ashland for four years now and know what the winters here are like. Suddenly one of the girls asks, “What’s a Browncoat?” I realize she’s seen my ‘BROWNCOATS FOR OBAMA’ button on my tote bag, so I tell her about Firefly. Another girl, a really sweet freshman, became really excited when she saw my button, but then becomes truly ecstatic once she saw that I also had a ‘LANNISTERS FOR OBAMA’ button. I told her all about the nerdsforobama.org web-site, which led to us geeking out about Obama and Joss Whedon. At this point my teacher, who’s been standing near us this whole time, reveals that he’s been eavesdropping. He asks us to explain Firefly, so I give him the “it’s a Western set in space” spiel, and the other girl chimes in and we do our best to explain it. We then end up talking about Obama and how we don’t know what the hell will happen to this country if Romney wins. From the way the conversation went, I’m now at least certain my teacher doesn’t dislike me as a person.

The teacher proceeded to let us out eight minutes into class time (still no idea why he didn’t just email us).

When a three hour class is canceled, there is much reason for rejoicing. On my way out another girl from the class and I bonded over how much we love the weather right now. Class being canceled gave me time to actually run to the store and pick up some essential food items to last me till next week (ie. my next payday). On my way to/from the store I reviewed the Italian flashcard app on my iPhone because, yeah, I’m finally trying to teach myself Italian. I then came home, where I have since finished a final draft of a paper, my one point perspective Intro to Drawing homework, and gathered quotes for a (short) paper that’s due Thursday.

Basically, today’s been pretty stellar. I’ve got all my homework due tomorrow done now, so I think I’m gonna go make myself a salad and watch Jurassic Park and The Walking Dead. Maybe do some more work on my Halloween costume and see if I can get that Rosetta Stone download to work.

If all Tuesdays were like today, I’d be okay with that.

My Fall Term Thus Far.

9 Oct
  • Advanced Composition: I keep saying this is my least favorite class of the term, but I don’t think that’s the case. While the homework we’ve been assigned so far has been suck-tastic (and the class is set at a shit time of the day when we all should be napping), at least the teacher’s a really nice guy and the debates we have in class are at least interesting enough to get me to stop doodling dinosaurs.
  • Grammar and Style: I’m pretty sure my teacher thinks I don’t give a fuck about this class and am only taking it to fulfill a class requirement… which I am.
  • Scene Design: This class as a whole is all right, but I’m really not a fan of physically being there, cause, y’know, having a class with a group of people who used to be your friends and now ignore you is always so much fun.
  • Digital Media Foundations: Probably my favorite class of the term. Any class that requires me to use photoshop and tumblr all at the same time is okay in my book.
  • Intro to Drawing: I almost cried in class today. I think my teacher assumes I half assed my homework before class today, but I didn’t. I spent legitimate time on it over the weekend, and I honestly tried. There’s a distinct difference between not trying and being awful at something, and I’m clearly in the latter group. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve muttered under my breath, “God, I miss Photography.”

In other news: I miss Nick, I don’t think cute Russian boy is going to ever text me again – and I’m strangely okay with that, I’m doing Playbill Dramaturg again, and I’m obsessed with Jurassic Park.

And this has, overall, been a pretty shitty entry. My apologies. I’m tired and I’ve got a paper to finish BSing.

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss summer. While I was lonely during summer, at least I had a lot of free time. Now I’m both stressed AND lonely. The only good thing about this term so far is that the weekends have been excellent. The first weekend I went up to Portland and ran a 5k with Nate, last weekend Nick appeared and we watched all of Breaking Bad, and this weekend Beckah and I are having a dinosaur movie party. So, if the weekends keep being this awesome, then maybe I’ll survive. Just maybe.