Tag Archives: stress

tea and acne.

11 May

If anything positive can be said about the anxiety I was diagnosed with, now over a month ago, I think it’s that I’m now taking better care of myself. I’m running on a consistent schedule. I’m eating small portions (ie. not gorging,) and snacking less, and eating healthier overall. I’m trying to go to bed at decent times. Basically, I’m treating my body like a temple, and all that good stuff.

So in the last two weeks I’ve stumbled across two things that have made life just a tad better.

1. I have discovered the power of tea.

Don’t go classifying me as a tea drinker just yet (I still prefer coffee overall), but I think I’m slowly being won over. Since my anxiety started, everyone’s been recommending I start drinking tea. Despite my constant response of, “But I hate tea,” I finally caved and bought two different blends: Nighty Night and Breathe Easy (and yes, I bought both based on name/what’s been ailing me, STFU, I know nothing about tea, don’t judge). I was hesitant about both types I bought. In the past, the only time I drink tea is when I’ve got a sore throat, and normally I just drink a peppermint tea which I kind of hate but endure because, hey, it really does help.

To my surprise I really like the taste of both blends, not to mention they’ve both been doing wonders for me so far. Breath Easy really does help me breathe a whole lot easier (the first time I drank some it felt like a weight had literally been lifted off my chest). Now, instead of lying down and trying to monitor my breath whenever it’s suddenly hard to breathe, I just make myself some of this tea and my problems go away. It’s quite nice.

And I finally tried Nighty Night last night, and it was the first time in over five days where I was able to fall asleep in under twenty minutes (as opposed to the two hours of tossing and turning that I’ve been dealing with).

So. Yeah. Tea. I think I might have to buy some more.

(My only real qualm is that, holy hell, it is way too hot to be drinking tea right now. Stupid early summer weather.)

2. I made my own facial treatment.

I’ve been going through a bout of mighty bad acne recently, which is weird because acne’s never been much of a problem for me (I’ll get a zit or two once in a while, but I’ve been relatively lucky in retrospect). I started getting breakouts on my forehead about six weeks ago, which I’ve been linking to stress (especially since it started up around the same time as the anxiety). After weeks of using store-bought products and not yielding a positive result, I took matters into my own hands.

I began looking into different home remedies for acne; researching the different products used in each of them and why certain ingredients were effective. I finally landed on one facial remedy, and christ, it has done wonders for my skin.

All you need is water, oatmeal, honey, and a blender. You basically toss everything into a blender, mix it up, and it’s ready to use. I tend to use more honey and oatmeal in my mixtures, since that makes the facial thicker, which helps it stick to your face. I’ll usually apply the facial and then read for ten minutes, before jumping into the shower and washing it all off. I went ahead and made myself a big batch, which I store in my fridge. That way it’s ready to be used at a moment’s notice.

I’ve been using this facial for almost two weeks now and my skin is just about back to normal. So, if anyone’s looking for a way to fight acne, I highly recommend this!

hectic life leads to a suffering blog.

12 Jan

Dear blog,

My sincerest apologies. I promise I haven’t abandoned you. I know it may seem like that now, but really, I haven’t. I have several entries planned out that I so wish to write, it’s just a matter of finding the time to do so. Remember how a week ago I wrote about an indescribable anxiety that had suddenly overtaken me? Yeah, well, apparently that was a premonition of what was to come. Somehow I could just sense that this term was going to be the fucking worst before it even began.

It’s been a hectic week, to say the least. Every single one of my classes has heaped on the homework (and I’m taking seven classes, by the way), I’ve got an art show to be prepping for, I was already called in for my first light crew bench focus, I’ve taken up a babysitting job several days during the week, and I’m still working at the motel during my regular shifts. Needless to say, I could barely find time to go on my runs, let alone find time to breathe, sleep, and think. (Though finding time to eat hasn’t been an issue. On the contrary, overeating stress eating has begun, and my figure is not taking kindly to it. I’m going to try to put a stop to all of it this week.)

I’m hoping to use this weekend to my advantage. I’m already caught up on the majority of my homework, and so long as I can stay on the ball (especially with major papers and projects, which it looks like I’ll have a lot of this term) I think I’ll pull through.

154 more days to go.



PS. On top of all my stress, I was somehow coaxed into joining a Lord of the Rings RPG site (and by coaxed, I mean someone simply recommended that I join and I stupidly decided that I wasn’t stressed out enough as is and that it’d totally be a worthwhile pursuit). I’m sure it’ll be fun, but fuck, when the site starts stressing me out in a couple weeks I’m going to have no one to blame but myself.

anxiety taking hold.

6 Jan

Feeling particularly anxious today for some reason, and I’m not really sure why. Well, I mean, I have a couple of ideas.

  • School. My winter term of college starts tomorrow, though I’m not sure that’s what’s causing this sudden anxiety. To be honest, I’ve barely even thought about school and have to keep reminding myself not to forget I have classes to go to tomorrow. There is a possibility that, somewhere deep inside my subconscious, I’m freaking out about how I only have two more terms left to go before I’m a graduate. I’m guessing I’ll be ranting a whole lot more about this topic come the last term of school this March. I don’t know though, right now I’m mainly in the mindset of wanting to be graduated.
  • Art show. I have an art show opening in precisely three weeks and I haven’t done any work on it. Granted, all the pictures are already taken, but I’ve yet to do any work on how I want to arrange/reformat them. This is mainly because I plan on using the computers on campus to format how I’d like to print them, seeing as they all have excellent photoshop and my laptop doesn’t. Plus I plan on printing them through the school, so it can just be charged to my student account.
  • New Zealand. Remember how a few days ago I ranted a bit about my day dream of moving to New Zealand for a year? Yeah. Well. That’s most likely happening now. It’s still really early in the process and things could always change, but I have talked it out with my dad and, well, it’s most likely happening. Kathleen’s coming to New Zealand with me for the first couple months to travel, but then she’s going to head home to the states and I’m going to stay in New Zealand. Maybe try to find an apartment, get a job, write, and continue traveling. While I’m mostly excited (oh who am I kidding, I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED) about this opportunity, I’m anxious about having enough funds by the time we leave and also either finding a job over there or an online writing job. Money’s always been far too stressful for me. Then there’s the fact that I’ve never been in a place by myself before, and once Kathleen leaves, well, it’ll be a first time thing for me. Plus it means having to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas over there, which doesn’t make me anxious so much as it makes me sad. But I still want to do it, nonetheless.
  • Money. Going off of the New Zealand bullet point, I’m worried about surviving on such a tight budget for the next six months. I’m determined to stick to the budget plan I’ve laid out, in order to save enough money for my travels, but it pretty much means only using money to pay for food/rent until I graduate. I’m not saying I can’t go out sometimes with friends, but I am really going to have to watch my spending. Again, money’s always been this big ball of stress for me, so this will probably continue to make me anxious for my last two terms of school.
  • My love life. It’s officially been over a years since I was last kissed and 1.5 years since my last relationship. I know it’s stupid, but I’m kind of riding the “guess-I’m-going-to-be-alone-forever” train and don’t know how to get off of it.
  • Tumblr. I’ve gained, eh, quite a bit of Tumblr popularity recently. This is a good thing. A great thing. It fills my heart with joy. But suddenly people are looking to me for my opinions about things and telling me how much they respect me and they’re drawing fanart about the Hobbit head canons I’ve created, and, I don’t know, it’s stressing me out. I’m not trying to complain, I realize I’m lucky to have this happen, but I’m just not used to this much attention. Ugh. It’s dumb, I know. I’m sure I’ll get used to it.

So, I don’t know, it’s probably all of those things. Or maybe it’s because I had two cups of coffee in the same three hours. Ugh. Who knows.

Going out on a run to get rid of these nerves.


21 Jun

It’s summer. I should not be this stressed out. Why is there so much to accomplish tomorrow? Why are there so many things I suddenly have to pay for? I am not a fan.

Stress, begone. It is summer.

Theatre as a Catharsis

6 Jun

I love acting for many reasons. I love being able to be inside the mind of a completely different person, trying to take on a whole new view of the world. I love interacting with other people in scenes, creating a whole new world where these characters matter. I love how it holds the mirror up to the audience, allowing them to see bits of themselves in the characters I’ve played. These are the core reasons I love acting.

I’m in a short scene for directing class right now. It’s a nice little bit, and the scene ends with me screaming at my fellow actor and then us embracing. During all the rehearsals all I could think was, “Man. I am awful at acting angry.” I’m not really a screamer in the angry sense. When I’m angry I get quiet, stoic, and mean, but there have been so very few occasions in my life where I’ve actually yelled at someone out of anger. This, unfortunately, translates on stage, because it seems like whenever I’m in a scene/play that involves me getting super angry I have to work extra hard at it because, goddamn, I’m the worst at pretending to be angry.

Right now I’m at a very stressful point in my life. I’ve got a lot of finals coming up and I’m trying to figure out how to pay next month’s rent without crawling to my dad crying for help. Due to all this, today was an overtly stressful day. One of those days where you just want to punch everyone you pass in the goddamn face, so you avert all eye contact in order to make sure that doesn’t happen. Top that off with being frustrated with the guy I like, being irate with a teacher for her lack of punctuality with an email, and the realization that my best friend is leaving me in less than a month, well, I was in a shit mood is what I’m saying.

So I get to the directing class today and I’m thinking to myself, “Oh man. Oh man. I do not want to be here today. Five minutes ago I was crying in the bathroom. I just want to go home.” But I stayed. Of course I stayed. Another group went, doing a poorly staged scene from one of my all time favorite plays by Sarah Ruhl, and then it was our turn. The majority of the scene went adequately. I fumbled over a couple lines, which only added to my inner turmoil. Then came the ending of the scene; my yelling bit. It started normally, but then it escalated. It escalated to a point we hadn’t reached before. My shoves, while stage-safe and in no way harming my fellow actor, came more rapidly and brutal-looking. There was an air of despair in my cries; a tone of hurt. I sounded downright mean; downright desperate. In the end, when he grabbed my arms and looked at me, I remember the feeling of the cries stopping dead in my throat, my chest heaving. We then embraced, as the stage directions demanded, and I felt myself shaking as I hugged him tighter than I’ve ever hugged anyone.

I left quickly after the scene was through.

Needless to say, I felt much better after that. It was nice to be able to draw from my shitty, shitty day and make a powerful ending to the scene. Performance is such a cathartic experience. You’re able to gather up all this emotion that you usually keep bottled up inside you and just… release.


21 May

Asphyxiation is not how I thought I would go,
but it seems the only option nowadays
as my lungs rapidly pull air in and out,
in and out,
out and in
until they can operate no longer
and dreadfully deflate inside my chest,
leaving me to wither and die
without a source of air
to depend upon.

I am an expert hyperventilater.

It’s an art.


I am going to make it through this year
If it kills me

The more I listen to this song,
the more I think it makes for a terrible mantra,
seeing as I have no desire
to be dead. Not at
this age. Not at

If it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me


Twelve more months
and I’m through. Twelve more
fucking months of classes that mean diddly-squat
for my future.
Twelve more months of being
cooped up
in a tiny town that cannot contain me.
Twelve more months before


When did I turn twenty-one?
When did I suddenly become this adult
that a younger me would barely
I’m still a girl;
a toddler still learning how to toddle.
When did I learn to walk on my own two feet?
When did I stop believing in magic?
When did I suddenly understand how to cope with life?

When did I grow up?

I am going to make it
I am going to make it
I am going to make it

But it will never kill me

finding hope in a shaken day.

7 May

Some people might’ve noticed a trend in my Facebook statuses and tweets today. Here are a couple examples of what they entailed:


I can’t reiterate how beautiful and wonderful life is, & I hope that a friend of mine realizes that today instead of doing something drastic

If anyone ever needs a shoulder to lean on or someone to talk to, please, never hesitate. I am a great listener and am always here for you

I am so goddamn relieved. Still shaken from the events of today, but very relieved


Today a friend of mine posted on his tumblr that he was going to end his life. He had posted his phone number a couple weeks ago, so I dug through his old entries to find it. I called him up, but there was no response, so I left him a message pleading not to do what he said he was going to do. I cried and was at a loss for words, consistently apologizing to him for not knowing what to say, but still hoping I was getting the point across to him. I’ve known for a while how unhappy he is, but sometimes we’re not truly aware until something like this happens, which is extremely unfortunate.

I spent the majority of my day keeping myself busy with homework (which didn’t really work) and staying in contact with another friend of mine. Neither she nor I have ever met our troubled friend, and I’ve never met her either, but they’re both a part of my Muppet family so they matter a great deal to me.

People committing suicide is a foreign concept to me. I’ve never known anyone to actually go through with it, and I’ve never really been confronted with a person who’s expressed great interest in taking their life. I’ve gleaned things from television, books, and movies, but those aren’t real life; this was. The only real experience I have with suicide is with… well, myself. Now I’ve never done any harm to myself, readers, and I’m obviously still here, so put your mind at ease, but there was a point in my life where the thought of suicide weighed heavily on me. I was very young and had lost my mother, something no thirteen year old should ever have to go through. I never voiced this to my father or my closest friends at the time, because I was afraid of how they’d react.

That was almost nine years ago. I’ve never had a single suicidal thought since that time, but the memory of how abhorrently depressed I was still lingers in the back of my mind. It’s a scary thing to remember. Nowadays I can’t even imagine wanting to end my life. It’s not a perfect life and I do spend quite a lot of time moping/being sad/whatever, but this is my life and I only get one shot.

I found out about an hour ago that my friend is okay. He’s gonna see someone to help him through this depression, and I’m relieved beyond relieved.

After I found out his status I went on a run. I wanted to give myself a chance to work off the stress of the day, clear my head, and move on from this event. On my run I contemplated a lot of things about my life. I’ve been doing that a lot this school year. Last September I rewatched the movie Ferris Bueller, and it’s really stuck with me. Today reinforced a lot of thoughts I’ve been having since I rewatched that film last September, and it just made me ask myself the same questions I’ve been asking myself for months. Why don’t I ever skip school to have fabulous days of adventure? Why do I care so much about what others think? Why don’t I just tell the boy I like that I like him? Why do I let myself get bogged down with things that don’t matter?

Life is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. It’s cliché, but it’s true. We only get one, and we should live it how we want to live it. I want to be the friend people can come to when they’re depressed. I want to write and read and love and laugh and eat and be happy. I want to find joy in everything. I want to breathe. I want to feel my heart race, but only out of excitement, not like today when I was on the phone and I felt my heart banging in my ribcage because my friend wasn’t picking up.

Life can be extraordinary, but only when we let the things that don’t matter go and start living each day as if it’s something not to be taken lightly.

Only then can life be wonderful.