Tag Archives: travel

two.

1 Jun

sometimes I close my eyes
and try to envision what it will be like
somehow sheep always work
themselves into my visions

(statistic: there are
seven sheep to every kiwi)

but when it comes down to the fact
I can’t imagine how it will be

the uncertainty
the insurgency
the enormity

the freedom

no permanent residence
no Christmas tree in December
no room to call my own
no sense of home

just a pack flung on my back
the wide open road
and my heart’s song

I think I can live with that

~~~~~*~

six || five || four || three || two

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five.

10 Feb

let me out
let me out
let me out

i’ve never been the type of girl
who shoves her face against a pillow’s front in
order to scream
for five minutes straight
due to the sheer amount of agonizing anxiety
she’s got wound up inside of
her
but today i became that girl
crocodile tears and all

wishing to be surrounded by sheep
to zorb, to run, to fall from the sky
to try something new for once
to seize this coward’s life and take a stab at bravery
deep in your heart, in your fields, in your greenery
i’m tired of this bullshit philosophizing
when i should be busy
coming to terms with what it means to be human

the moment that my visa went through
i knew i’d be useless
to this endless education

let me out
let me out
let me out

let me in
let me in
let me in

~~~~~~~~*~

This is a follow up to the poem six. My plan is to write one poem each month leading up to me taking off to New Zealand, each title counting down the months left until my departure. This one purposefully lacks capitalization/punctuation in a sort of act of rebellion against college.

officially Kiwi bound.

29 Jan

Things don’t often go right for me. Actually, no, scratch that, that’s an understatement. Things don’t ever go right for me. I’m used to the taste of rejection, sour on my tongue. Applying for wonderful internships with places such as Disney and The Daily Show, only to be turned down. Having awesome ideas for theatre pieces or performances, only to have them fall through. Putting myself forward in situations, only to be looked over for someone else. And don’t even get me started on relationships.

I’m used to it. Rejection. It follows me everywhere. It’s the reason I don’t put myself out there as often as I should. The reason I prefer quiet nights in on Saturday evenings spent in my room watching television instead of going out. It’s why I don’t speak up. It’s why I’m shy. It’s why I’m me.

So you have to understand when I say that I started sobbing the moment I found out my New Zealand visa was approved, there were a whole set of indescribable emotions behind my tears.

It’s dumb to think I wouldn’t have gotten it. Of course I was going to get it. I was always going to get it. I’m not a convict. I’ve never been kicked out of a country. I don’t have tuberculosis. I meet every single requirement needed to enter New Zealand, be it character, age, health, or place in the world. But as I sent in my application for a year long work visa in New Zealand just two days ago I told myself, “Well, okay, but there’s that chance.” That chance I wouldn’t get it. That my dreams would, yet again, betray me, leaving me to feel small and worthless and insignificant. After all, that’s what I’ve come to know.

So when I saw the word “APPROVED” underneath the word “DECISION” it felt surreal. It felt that, at last, I was getting a chance to live my life the way I’ve always wanted to. Through travel. Through adventure. Through wanderlust.

And now it’s final. I am going. I am going to live in a country I’ve never been to in my life, and I am going to live there for an entire year. I will have a friend with me for the first three or four months – and holy fuck, that is going to be so much goddamn fun – but then? Then I’m on my own. Then it’s just me and my body and my mind deep in the heart of New Zealand. There are so many endless possibilities lying in front of me right now. I’m finding it hard to breathe.

And I am so happy.
And so scared.
And so worried.
And so dazzled.
And so anxious.
And I cannot stop smiling.

For the first time ever, I think I feel whole.

six.

13 Jan

My thoughts are 6,523.6 miles away
and it is impossible to call them back.

I dream in green rolling fields,
pinnacle landscapes, breathtaking beaches,
cerulean skies, vast high dives,
adventure in my lungs.

The regions roll off my tongue.

The town of the Queen,
the Church of the Christ,
the land of the Auck.

The countdown has begun

until I kindle with Kiwis
until I fly the coop
until I shake this Texas dust off of my boots
and then I shall be wild and young and bold and free
and in a land so new to me.

I fight to keep myself grounded against this impetuous plight,
but my mind is a lost cause
for my thoughts take flight

6,523.6 miles away.

A wanderlust confession.

2 Jan

For the past several weeks I’ve come to the conclusion that, when I graduate college, I want to travel to New Zealand. This is nothing new. I’ve written Facebook statuses and Tumblr entries about this multiple times, even reaching out to a few people to join me in my travels. In the end, I’ve decided that, if/when I go, I’m going to go by myself. I’m in the process of saving up money for my travels right now, and I have a considerable amount stowed away already. My dad would get me the plane ticket there as a graduation gift.

As of late, however, I’ve been consumed with this daydream of packing up and moving to New Zealand for a year. I’ve already got one freelance writing job that pays me on occasion, and I find myself hoping that they’ll start paying me full time again. If this were the case, I’d be making enough money to easily live off of for an entire year. So I could go to New Zealand, write, and travel all around the country. I could rent a cheap apartment to live in, and then on weekends travel around and see the countryside. It’s a small country, after all. Maybe meet a nice Kiwi boy and have a fling at some point. Go skiing, go hiking, meet people, interact with the culture, eat plenty of good food, and learn how to live. It’d be wonderful and beautiful and I would be free.

God, that’s all I want right now. I want out of this town. I want out of this school. I want to write. I want to live. I want to be free.

i left my heart in the sea.

20 Aug

I spoke to my father today on the phone, and we’ve made plans for my brother, him, and I to go to the beach in less than a month. Even though we’re only going for three days, I can’t wipe this grin off my face. My heart is overflowing with so much joy right at this very moment.

Early morning runs on the beach. Sitting in the grass by the stream. Grabbing coffee from the tiny cafe just up the street. Window shopping in Cannon town. Feeding the seals in the Seaside Aquarium. Playing arcade games with Anthony. Watching Miss Doubtfire and Forrest Gump at day’s end. Eating at Dooger’s. Candy shopping at Bruce’s. Sitting on the back porch and writing. True bliss.

I left my heart at Cannon Beach long ago, and there shall it forever reside.

Technology || We’re Probably Doing it Wrong

7 Aug

Tonight my writing group met for the first time in close to a month (though it’s been over a month since we’ve had an actual meeting that circulated around writing). We talked about what direction we wanted to take the group in for the duration of summer and we shared what we’ve been writing about (I gave a pretty crummy summer about my screenplay because, hell, I’m the worst when it comes to talking about my work). Eventually we got off topic, as we tend to do at times, and we talked about films, books we’re reading, future plans, politics, etc. One topic that came up near the end is technology. Everyone began talking about how frustrating the dependance on technology has become and how they purposefully try to avoid using it sometimes.

I sat there, arms folded, not saying a word, and could not thinking to myself, “I am definitely the most technology dependent person in this room.”

It’s not that I didn’t agree with any of them, because I did on many levels, I just also knew that the first thing I’d do when I got home would be to check my Facebook, Gmail, and Tumblr, and I did. I often advocate the need for people to get out and live their lives, which in turn makes me the biggest hypocrite on this planet, because it seems like all I ever do is sit glued to my laptop and cell phone.

I’ve gotta make a change, and I know eventually I will, but right now I guess I’m kind of waiting for college to end. It’s so hard to not be tied to your phone and/or laptop constantly at this age. Especially for me. I write for two (possibly three soon) web-sites that I need to keep up with. I maintain this wordpress and four different tumblrs. I’m friends with people who live all over the country, so I depend on Facebook and Tough Pigs to stay in touch with them. I check Gmail frequently for important emails from teachers/bosses. It’s basically impossible for me to get away. Not to mention I have a job where I sit in front of a computer for five hours a night.

A couple weeks back I was hanging out with Kaylyn and we went to this small ice cream stand in town. As we sat their eating our delicious food, we got to talking with the guy behind the stand. We started talking about travel and all the places we’ve been over in Europe, and then the guy asked a question that has stuck with me ever since:

“Do you think they’re happier over there?”

I’ve been rolling that question over and over in my head these last couple weeks, and the answer I’ve concluded is simply: yes. I think that they are. I’m mainly applying this logic to Italy, since that’s the country I’ve visited most, but I do truly believe that they are happier there. Those people weren’t glued to their phones all day long. They weren’t constantly checking laptops for updates. Hell, I talked to one woman who owned a shop and she explained how she finally got her shop up on Facebook even though she doesn’t have a Facebook of her own. That amazed me that someone couldn’t have a Facebook. It’s a dumb thing to be amazed by, but when you’re on Facebook as frequently as I am, yeah, you’re amazed.

When I traveled to Italy last spring break it was sort of like a mini vacation from technology, which was wonderful. True, I still had my phone on me at all time, but the only times I used it was to listen to music and to check the time. We had Wifi in the villa I stayed in and I did have my Kindle with me, so I guiltily admit that I still went on the Internet while I was there, but I think I did it right. I only checked in on everything first thing once I woke up and then at the end of the day when I was lying in bed. I guess I did check it once or twice during the day, but it was really only if I was killing time before my family was going out somewhere.

I have this distinct memory of Italy though. My brother, dad, and I would be walking downtown, we’d go into the shop we had set out for, we’d grab gelato, and then the boys would start to head back to the villa. When I asked my dad why he wanted to go back already he’d say “Well there’s not much else to do in town.” I was always flabbergasted by this. I’d then refuse to go back with them and, instead, I’d walk around the town on my own. I went in every shop at least once, I walked all the side streeets, I people watched, I sat on random stairwells and wrote in my journal, I photographed everything, and I did all of this while my brother and dad went home to go check in on their phones and computers. This was the first time in the history of ever that my family was more dependent on the internet then myself. (My dad and brother also turned on the Data Roaming on their phones, so sometimes we’d be at meals and they’d both be checking emails, and it made me want to cry. My dad actually got really angry at me for refusing to turn my phone off airplane mode whenever I’d go on walks by myself, because he’d have no way to contact me, but I would not relent because I knew once I did I’d get all the text messages that people had sent to me while I was away. I did turn it on once, but that’s only because I got off a train in Rome and the doors closed before my family could get off, but that’s a story for another day.)

THE POINT OF ALL THIS IS that when I travel I feel more alive and thus I don’t feel the need to constantly be on my laptop/computer. I remember going to Disneyland two spring breaks ago and while I did bring my laptop with me, it really only became something I’d check in on at night. This is why I want to travel more. When I’m out seeing things, doing things, living life, suddenly Tumblr, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, all of it falls away and doesn’t matter.

I know I’m not going to be giving up the internet anytime soon and I know it’s going to be a constant in my life for, well, forever, but I am genuinely looking forward to the day where it doesn’t became a must. Where I wont die if I can’t check in with Tumblr. Where I wont cry if my iPhone wont let my 3G connect. I have no doubt in my mind that I’ll always be a technology based person, but when the day comes where I can go a whole 24 hours without checking Facebook, well, I’ll really, really like that.